Its been a while so a photo post to start with

I am sorry it has been a while since I posted last and I am feeling the need to write again as we get closer to a new year and I reflect on 2013.

To start easy this is a photo post about my new love of crafting and sewing.  This are a few things I have made in the last few months all hand stitched as not got the hang of sewing machine again yet.

Needlecase made for myself 

Various items I have made from felt

Needlecase made for a friend's mum

Russian dolls

Jar of hearts

Bride and groom made for a cousins wedding

 A mushroom for my friend for her brithday but still not finished

Home sign made from a piece of felt I made from grey walsh wool then I drew the words to stitch on top.

I love doing craft as means I can sit and watch tv and do something to distract myself but also make very personal gifts and things for my house. 

3 years on and still missing Dad

Today it has been 3 years since my dad died.  

I miss him so, so much and wish he was still here in so many ways.  

The last time I saw my dad was Friday 1st October 2010.  I had gone to his house to grab a pair of shoes I had left and needed for a night out.  As usual I got the drive carefully from him and I was in a bad mood so didn't really say much back.  I wish I had said more or maybe just a little nicer on that last day.

They are not sure when he died as last time he was heard from was the Friday but he was not found until the Saturday.  He died from suicide as my dad was very ill with depression.  I have spoken about my own feelings about this many times and I am not angry but I do miss him.

I miss the fact he was so proud of me and my sister.  She is pregnant at the minute and he would be so happy to be a grandpa.  I miss the fact he cannot see what I am doing now and be there to tell me I am doing a good job as I don't hear it from mum.

I bought some sunflowers and I am not going to put them by a grave but enjoy them being in my house and seeing them.    

So this may be short and sweet but it is just a small message to my dad to say thank you for all you did and miss you so much.

Suicide: its not as simple of its seems

Everytime there is a suicide reported in the press all I can think of is how simple they make it sound when suicide is such a complex thing and very much misunderstood.  I have wanted to start writing post about this for a long time but its such a complex one its taken until now to start.

On a basic level suicide is the act of killing yourself.  I do not say commit suicide and I wish many other people didn't as it suggests the criminal past which is no good for families left behind or those who have attempted.  Language is one of the biggest reasons why suicide is hard to talk about and understand.  I am not a survivor of suicide nor did my dad battle depression.  Battle suggests that he failed in defeating it and did not try hard enough.  Anyway language around this could take another post. 

From the day my Dad died I said at least he is at peace as he was in so much pain and was so ill.  It was not until I read this article about someone who lost their best friend to suicide that I could put this into words.

Suicide is not a wish to die but an inability to continue living. 

Some people say it is a cowardly and selfish thing to do.  How could someone want to leave their partner behind? Children? Friends and family?  Do they know how much they will hurt people they leave behind?  The people who say these things don't know of the anguish that leads for someone to think of ending their own life.

My dad probably knew how much it would hurt us for him to leave us but at the same time he thought he was a burden on everyone.  That he was not worth everyone's attention and that we would be better off without him.  There were many reasons for him finally taking his own life its not a simple, straightforward answer.  He loved me I know that and he was so proud of everything me and my sister did.  He was very much a loving person that enjoyed life.   

Do I wish I could have done more for my dad in the 6 months leading up to his death?  Yes I do all the time.  I wish at the minute I could have known about services that may have helped me to help him or even intervened.  However the crisis team were involved just a few months before his death and that changed nothing.  My dad's dad did the same thing, similar age and similar time of year but I doubt my Dad would have told doctors that information. Me and my sister did not know that our Grandpa died through suicide until a few years ago when we asked our aunt how he had died as he died before we were both born. 

I want to prevent other families going through the same thing and that the suicide is too high especially in men and younger people.  But on the other hand I want to be able to say that my Dad died from suicide to people without that pity and look of how can you come to peace with that.  To loose that stigma surrounds someone grieving from a loss through suicide.  If my Dad had died through a road crash or cancer or heart attack I think my responses from friends and others would be very different. 

This is only a short post for now but I want to write more about my own experiences and about suicide. 

New travels, Girlguiding and an update

Right first of all an apology that I have abandoned writing in the last couple of months.  Things have been a bit mad at school with my autistic class.  I love them to bits but they are very challenging and getting to the end of term I was not very well and just generally tired.

So as an apology my post is going to be about my most recent travels with a trip to Europe.  

I am a member of Girlguiding and have been a Rainbow and Guide leader in the past.  If you have no idea what I am on about visit the website for more information.  When I came back from travelling I moved to a new area so didn't have a group and I still do not.  I applied for selection for another trip but did not get it but was quite glad as I was then very ill.  But like always there is a silver lining to everything.  I got an email about a group that needed an assistant leader for a group that were doing a challenge called Jailbreak.  Jailbreak essentially is a challenge to travel across Europe, visiting at least 3 countries and completing other challenges to be back in the UK 8 days later.  14 teams of 6 - 8 members aged 14 to 26 year old women competed in it this year.  However if the group was under 18 it needed 2 leaders to be responsible so that is where I come in.

I had an amazing time.  The itinerary was as follows:

27th July: Flew from Liverpool to Barcelona

2 nights in Barcelona

Train from Barcelona to Madrid.  Just the afternoon in Madrid

Overnight train from Madrid to Lisbon

2 nights in Lisbon staying in an amazing apartment

Flew from Lisbon to Paris 

2 nights in Paris

Then flew back to Birmingham on 3rd August.

I did not know the group I went with until I met them in February and they were amazing.  The girls aged 15 to 18 years old did not argue or fall out or cause any stress.  They were such a pleasure to be with even though one had never flown or been abroad until then.  It was the first time I had taken girls away and it was such an incredible experience.

My anxiety was a lot less and I think that is the reason that returning home last year was such a hard time.  I have had problems with my stomach mainly as I have eaten a lot and not really watched what I have eaten.  Plus I did not take my vitamins and probiotics so think that might have made a difference.

Anyway here are a selection of photos to show you.  Hopefully as it is summer holidays I can blog a bit more frequently!

Medication only part of the solution not the answer

About 4 months ago my doctor finally agreed to put me on medication for my anxiety level as it was just unbearable and stopping my every day life.  I have a love/hate relationship with the medication and recently moaned a lot about it to friends and people on twitter so I thought I would explain more about my thoughts and feelings and how being on medication makes me feel and what I have learnt.  

Last year I had a very depressive episode and when I finally got some grief counselling it lifted and exposed underneath the anxiety that has been building up really over the last 4 or 5 years.  I think reflecting back on my childhood I have always been an anxious person but always hidden it well which causes more anxiety.  Once I had done the grief counselling and gone back to my doctor I finally persuaded her to let me try some medication for it.  She prescribed my citlopram and started on a 10mg per day routine.

Now I got quite a lot of negative reaction from some friends.  Many were like are you sure you need to be on medication?  Are you sure it is the right idea and what about the side effects?  I hide my anxiety on a day to day basis and even though these friends knew I had had a hard time they still don't see all those worries that go round in my head.  I explained that at that time I was very anxious and that it effects my sleep, my eating, my speech and was giving me IBS through stress and worry.  Most once I explained this could see why maybe medication was a positive thing.

I have always known that medication is not the long term answer.  I had counselling when my parents split up and again round my Dad's death and I know it is a positive step for me.  Also I very much like talking things through and have also done some cognitive behaviour therapy programmes online.  I know that I need to do some of this therapy work rather then just rely on medication.  However getting these talking therapies on the NHS is a battle and a struggle.

I was asked to self refer myself back to the service I had tried to access last year.  Now asking someone who has anxiety disorder to self refer is really not the way to go about it.  Therefore I still have not done because I hate hate hate talking on the phone.  Also when I did this self referal last year I had to do a telephone appointment and through a very stressful process had no outcome.  They basically said we don't provide grief counselling and so I worry that there is no point to putting myself through this process again.  However my doctor is trying to see if I can access the counselling service at the surgery and if I can do that in evenings or on a Saturday.  I teach special needs and missing a morning or afternoon of every week would create so much more stress then it solves because the nature of my students.

Now all medication comes with side effects and I accept this.  I am quite happy to take medication if it is going to help me.  I think the benefits of taking citlopram is worth it because it means I can carry on with my normal life whilst waiting for another solution to help.  However I do not like taking it as I never know if how I feel is a side effect or just life.

A prime example of this is dreaming.  Now I have always been a dreamer; I can remember dreams from my childhood and still see them vividly.  However recently I have had so many dreams which I remember and unsettle me in the morning.  They are not good or bad dreams as such but they usually reflect something true to life and me.  They just put me in a weird mood for the day especially if I remember them for a while.  This recent dreaming could just be me but it could also be the medication.  

Other side effects include itchy skin but compared to the horrendous bed bug bites I got travelling it is a mild annoyance.  I also have at times insomnia and fatigue both of which could be life or medication.  One that I am very unsure of is the way I can feel very paranoid usually about friends and do they care for me and other feelings around trust.  

I am back at the doctor next week to discuss medication because of this paranoia and a few other things I have been feeling.  She possibly may put my dose up for now and hopefully she has had an answer back about counselling during out of hours.  

I know medication is only part of the solution and I need to seek help to use talking therapies and self care to find the bigger answer.  

Happy Father's Day

Dear Dad,

Happy Father's Day where ever you may be.  It has been over 2 and half years since I last saw you.  Much has happened in that time good and bad but not a day goes by when I do not think about you.  It seems just like yesterday the last day I saw as well as a life time ago.

I want you to know I have never been angry at you for your decision.  I saw the pain you were in and how hurt you were, that nobody could you help you.  From the minute it happened I have always felt comforted by the fact you are at peace now.  Suicide is not the choice to die but inability to live anymore.  

You meant everything to me and the life I have now is down to you.  Your hard work, love and support has made me the person I am today.  You came from nothing and fought your whole life to make a better life for yourself and your children.  I have taught many children who either do not have a dad or have a very bad home life and it makes me appreciate how vital you were in my childhood even if you think you were never there for me.  Mum was horrible to say you were a bad father that Christmas day because she has no right to judge and to me you were an amazing dad.

The other week I performed for the first time in a long time with my pole dance studio.  I know not the most usual thing I have started doing but it has been amazing.  When I finished my routine and at the break I just wanted to cry because I wanted you to see my performance.  You have been to many performances over the years of me dancing or performing.  I know you did not always understand it but you came and that is what mattered to me.  

I miss you sense of humour and spirit for life.  On April fools day you trying to wind me up about something or other to get me to laugh but usually I just got mad.  The jokes we had and your ability to always joke about or mess about like we did in the photos for my graduation.  The way you would tell us stories or eat fish eyes in front of us to make us laugh.  

One of the biggest things I will miss is if I ever get married the father of the bride speech you would have done to embarrass me as much as possible.  I have thought from a young age what you would say and I find it hard that you will never be able to do that.  Maybe I will stand up and say it for you.  

Favourite sayings bring back memories of you:
There is no such thing as bad weather just the wrong clothes.
Night night don't let the bed bugs bite
I am just going outside I may be some time - Lawrence Oates from Antarctic expeditions 

I wish you could see everything I have accomplished in the time since you died and that you would be proud of me.  Travelling was an amazing experience and I wish we could have trekked the trails together in Peru and Bolivia.  The mountains are a beautiful place to be and where I remembered you so much.  I wish you could have been the one to come to my Queen's Guide presentation in London like I had promised all those years ago.  You would have been so proud to stand there and see me receive my award. 

I am a special needs teacher now.  It has been hard work and still is because I have to teach all the subjects but I know you would be happy for me and proud of what I have done.  I know you always joked about me being a quantity surveyor but you knew that it would not make me happy and you supported me in whatever did make me happy.     

I have so many good memories of you that live inside of me and I try to hold onto those.  You have made me the woman I am today and I thank you for so much for that.  You live through me in so many ways.  I work hard to get what I want, like to be alone sometimes and have such a sense of adventure.  I wish I could have helped you more but I know that you were so ill and things were just so black for you.

Love you more every day Dad.

Nicola

xxxx

Graduation Day                                                                                 Trip to Northern Ireland

My inner F1 geek

I love Formula 1.  

I was bought up on it rather then football or rugby.  I know it is a male dominated sport and fan base but scratch the surface and there are plenty of women involved.  I have been known to be around a friends house and get up at 7am to watch an early race.  When in Australia 2011 it was the Canadian race and I waited to watch it start at 2am.  I am a F1 geek. 

Now most of my female friends do not see the attraction or understand the sport more then it being about cars driving round a track.  Many might complain it is no longer about the driver and that it is more about having the best car.  Yes that is true but driving a F1 car is more then just having a fast car.  You need to understand the rules and the technical side of it.

My first grand prix to go to was the British for my 21st Birthday present in 2007.  I loved it the noise, the atmosphere is just incredible.  Yes it is different to watching it on the TV you do not get all the detail of the race but there is nothing like it.  I planned part of my travelling around going to the Malaysian race in 2011.  That was even more incredible because the tickets are cheap we had seats on the start/finish straight and the noise because of the track was even more incredible it sent tingles up your spine.  

Last year I went to the British again last year and was a very wet weekend but amazing none the less.  We had general admission tickets again and we some how managed to pick the spots on qualifying and race day where all the action was. 

An ex boyfriend also got me into Motogp and I do not follow it as closely but I still love it.  I went to the British race at Donnington and then again planned it so I was in Australia for the Phillip Island race in 2011.  It is more exciting at times because the bikes have added danger going side to side millimetres away from each other round the corners.  Moto 2 the lower series is even more exciting when I saw it in Australia.    

If I won the lottery I would love to spend a year just following the Formula 1 and Motogp around the world. I would love to see the race in Brazil as they are massive Forumla 1 fans and they know how to party!  

I will always support the Brits in the race but do have a soft spot for Webber and the under dogs of the lower teams.  It is great to see them win against the top dogs.  But do not mention Ferrari as we are definitely not fans in our house.  

Today is the Monaco race one of the most prestigious and one I would love to be at on a Yacht but for that I need some pennies!

So Formula 1 is one of my loves and passions and just a little bit of a F1 geek.  Will leave you with some photos.

British 2007 and meeting Johnny Herbet!

Malaysia 2011

 British 2012

Why I choose to learn pole dancing: No sleaze please

Since last July I have learnt to dance.  Pole dance to be specific.

Now for most people this conjures up the image of gentlemen clubs of women in barely anything writhing around to please the paying man.

Learning pole for fitness is a completely different kettle of fish.

I had tried pole dance a few years ago but due to finance and a teacher I did not really like I gave up thinking I was not strong enough or ever be able to do it.  When I came back from travelling I put on a lot of weight and wanted to get healthier.  I hate the gym I get bored easily and lose the willingness to go very quickly.  I love to dance I have dance in so many different styles since I was 4 years old.  I studied contemporary dance at university and love the way it makes me feel.

I started at this dance studio just doing the hula class which I did really enjoy and just caught the sight of some of the pole classes starting as I finished so I got the guts to try a beginner course at the same studio.  All the classes at this studio are open level so to help participate it is advised to have a beginner course first to get the basics.   I have been hooked ever since due to the challenge and feeling it gives me.

When I started I had barely any upper body strength at all.  Some of the girls could do the more strength dependant moves straight away but I have always been good at spins.  Even now I try to focus on what I can do and draw inspiration from the other girls as everyone is different and every person has a different body.  I stuck at it and slowly by keeping going I was able to start seeing progress.  The first time I climbed up to the top and then the next week get upside made me feel on top of the world.

Despite the rather unsightly bruises and sore muscles it gives I love that space for an hour each week to push myself to the max mentally and physically.  Pole is a lot about trusting your own body to do what you know it can do.  Yes it can be dangerous but so is life and a good teacher only teaches what she think you can do.  Build the skills and strength up slowly at your own pace.  I got bored of Zumba after a few weeks because I can dance already but pole dancing is just a challenge every week to get the new trick or move or to combine movements.

The realisation after a few weeks of working on something and finally getting it or even better finding it is getting easier is one of the best feelings.  Knowing that nearly a year ago I could not even climb up part way of the pole and now I can just climb to the top.

Another good point is the ladies in my studio.  There is such a mix in ages, sizes, background and ability that it makes such a community.  Due to the classes being drop in I often change about classes depending on the week and how I am feeling.  No matter what class I go to everyone is so friendly and encouraging and shares in your successes.  I may not see them outside of pole but it is great to feel welcomed and valued.

My next challenge is to do the pole dance studio's show 2 weeks on Friday.  I am doing a solo to 'Felling Good' by Muse.  Putting the routine together has not been too much of a challenge but getting through it requires stamina I never thought I had.  I cannot wait to perform it and show everyone how well I have done in a year and it lets me get back into performing which I miss so much from university.

The negative side though is the comments I get from some people and particularly men.  Do you know what I think though?  They are the ones made nervous by the fact women (and men if they choose to) can go and do a fitness class which is hard work and demanding like no other.  Just look through youtube at some of the amazing routines men and women can do.    Once you start you realise how easy people make it look.  One of my friends I showed the video too said that 'she didn't realise how graceful and gymnastic like it was'.

So I tend to my bruises with pride knowing how much strength, flexibility and confidence it needs to try and succeed in pole dance.  It is something I intend on doing for a very long time just never in a sleazy bar for a man.  It is for me and me alone!

I had a photoshoot the other week as part of the studio and will post a picture at some point if any good!


 

Just a sneak preview

I will be writing an update to my wedding post from earlier in the week as to how I found the weekend at my friend's wedding. I also have an article on the effect of exercise in the pipeline as well.

Sneak preview from the wedding yesterday.  Me feeling beautiful, strong, sophisticated woman of 27 years old.

Weddings and my dislike and grief

I have a wedding on Saturday of a close friend from university.  Am I looking forward to it? Yes and no.  Yes because I will get to see many friends who live far away and celebrate a lovely day for a lovely couple.  But really I hate weddings and the day holds all sense of dread for me.  So instead of just bottling it up tonight I am going to use it to write instead.  

Many girls dream of their big day.  Their one special day where everybody is there for you and your marriage to wish you well.  To walk down the aisle to Prince Charming in a big white dress looking for the happily every after.

To me this is all a load of rubbish.

I think a lot of how I feel stems from my family situation and my cynical nature of marriage after my own parents separation after 25 years together for reasons my mother, who was the one that walked away, never has explained at all.  I know she was unhappy but nothing more then that is known to me or my sister.  After my relationships have ended I have always thought is quality of time better then quantity of time together?  Do we need different people for different stages of life for different needs?

I have never seen myself with that perfect day because my wider family is so split up and people do not speak to others.  I never saw myself having a wedding at home I would rather have eloped and not dealt with the family arguments of 30 odd years old.  

My feelings about the actual wedding day revolve a lot around the loss of my dad.  When thinking about a wedding day the only thing I have ever thought about is the speech my Dad would do to embarrass me as much as possible with at the same time being the proudest man there.  I saw on key moments of my life like my graduation how proud my Dad was and there is not really another occasion where your Dad stands up and speaks to people about you.  To me getting married without my Dad just seems impossible to not have him there as I never envisaged him not being there.

The week of my Dad's funeral I attend my best friend from university's wedding as Maid of Honour.  Looking back it was probably a step too far at the time but I was determined to not miss the wedding.  I had got through the funeral without a single tear yet just walking down the aisle behind her I had to hold back the flow.  When it came to her Dad's speech I just could not hold on to the sadness of not having my Dad.  Since then I have been to a few weddings as a guest and working as a waitress and it still gets me every time of being there and having your Dad there.  It is one part of the wedding coming this weekend that I wish to just go and it somewhere and not have to face.

My other issue is how I then deal with coping with these feelings.  One is drinking alcohol and it is never a good place for me really but there is that expectation at a wedding.  Through in a whole room of strangers that makes me anxious as well and its a recipe of hell for me.  Then there is also the issue of; what to wear? what shoes do I wear? Do I look fat in this? Am I too dressed up or not dressed up enough? It just makes everything that little bit harder. 

I do not see myself getting married as I could not make that promise to love some and stay with them until death us do part.  There is not an occasion that celebrates us not making that choice.  That single life can be just as much a choice as being married.  It comes down the expectation of society.  I do not see myself getting married or having children but that is a different post yet to be written. 

Will leave you with a photo of me being Maid of Honour for my best friend in October 2010 and will promise to post pictures from the wedding and an update next week. 

The issue of trust

Trust.  

It is something we cannot see but is vital in our relationships with friends, partners and families.

It is something that takes a long time to build but very little to destroy.

It is something I am trying to teach my students in my class who have autism everyday.

It is something I crave to give me stability, security and safety.

It is something that effects me every day and I want to discuss how it effects my every day well being.

First of all the complexity of trust in relationships and friendships. 

Last September something rocked my relationship that I was in at the time.  I had been with the man for over 2 years however it was hard to describe the relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend as I spent a lot of the time we were together was whilst I was away travelling.  However we were close.  He had supported me through my Dad's death even though he had only known me for 5 months before hand.  During the time after I returned from travelling he had supported me through a bleak time and we were just becoming closer again.

That was until the end of September when he was up for one of my friends birthdays.  He said he had something to tell me and on the Sunday our relationship came to an abrupt halt due to him cheating on me.  Not only that he had not even been an adult about it and she was now pregnant.  In days after I forgave him and accepted it, there is too much anger and hurt already in the world to tear myself up over one mistake.    We have remained friends for a time and it is going through a rocky patch at the minute and we shall see how things go.  

Until recently I thought this break of trust was something I had got over.  Instead meeting someone new who I liked has put this issue of trust at the forefront again and it is a constant struggle for me now.  When me and this new guy, I will call him B, started getting closer I was so hesitant because I had been so hurt in the past.  I knew I would have to open my heart again to be able to let someone in even just as a friend but that felt a massive step to take. 

When I told my close friends originally about my Dad's death I had some very unsupportive comments.  One of my close friends, who I had waited 2 days to tell her before I rang her due to her being on holiday, replied with the comment 'Are you joking?'.  Like I would joke about my own Dad's suicide?  Ever since then I have always been hesitant about telling people about my Dad and not only what happened but my own reaction in that I accept his death and understand he is at peace now.  Even my own sister tells people that Dad died in a car crash rather then explain the complexities of suicide to people who have no understanding.  

With the my ex he understood what I had been through and I trusted him so much because of that.  I thought no one new would ever understand how I felt about my Dad's death or be able to support me like he had.  I felt I had baggage that was too big for anyone else to understand and accept.  I felt like I was damaged goods in some ways.  However after we split up and meeting new people who have had experience with depression I have begun to trust again and talk more openly.  I started trusting people again that they would understand and not judge me for what had happened and my views on it.  I have told B I feel like damaged goods and he says truthfully that I am not and it is just life experiences.  

How did I trust B with how I feel and why do I open up to him?  I do not know but he was the first person at my last work place that I even told about my Dad's death and circumstances.  He knew that I was in grief counselling and why.  I have trusted him, like I did today. to talk about certain things around my last break up and my Dad's death that I have never talked about before with anyone.  He said a few weeks ago that I take care and worry about so many people that he is there to look after me and to relax me.  I find it easy at times to open up knowing I will not be judged but it is still hard at times to trust fully.

Yesterday I had a very paranoid moment.  I do not know if it was down to not taking my medication or just the circumstance of the days but I just felt on edge with this new friendship in some ways.  In the end it was completely unfounded on my part but it just bought to me the awareness of how my trust in people is on a knife edge.  I have that paranoia at times and it is hard to get it out of my head. 

   

Secondly my relationship with my mum is where trust is a major issue and effects my life on a daily basis. 

Me and my mum have never had a close relationship.  I know I could go to her if I was in trouble but I would only tell her personal things if I felt I had to rather then wanted to.  I have never had that share everything with my mum kind of relationship and I am becoming more and more aware why this is and it is down to trust.  I tell her what she needs to know.

It comes down to the fact I do not trust my Mum fully.  I expect to be judged in a usually negative way for any action I do.  Even simple things like cleaning.  When I was living with her and her partner I did not help that much with the cleaning because I knew no matter how much effort I put into it I would always get criticised and it would never be good enough for my Mum.   

  

I do not speak to her about my Dad because I just do not expect her to understand and to trust she will just listen. In the middle of an argument on Mother's Day she described what my Dad did as selfish which is the opposite of what I have ever thought.  One Christmas before my Dad died she criticised him for being a bad father on Christmas day and really the only people that can judge that is me and my sister.

She does support me in things I do and what I aim for in life but I try to not rely on her 100% for emotional support and one reason of that is of her relationship with a man who cannot even be civil to me even after living with him for a year.  A man that left me out of my Mum's birthday and never apologised.  A man who swore and shouted at me over minor things but yet that is ok in my Mum's eyes.  All the time whilst I lived at home Mum said I should try harder and make more effort even though she knew how hurt I was by all this.  In the end it does come down partly to the fact that me and my Mum are very different people and as adults we just do not get on at times.  

Now I have my own house I have more security, stability and safety because I never felt like that living with my Mum and her partner.  I did not realise until I moved out 3 weeks ago how much fear I lived in day in, day out.  Me and my Mum are repairing our relationship slowly but I do not think we will ever have a close relationship like other people and I envy that at times.

I am starting to trust again and put measures in place to do so but it still takes a massive effort at times to reduce my anxieties.  All I know is in the last year I have made some very good friends who I can start to trust and open up to.  That I have strategies in place to deal with this but my trust is still very delicate.       

  

Sleep and my journey

Sleep.  It is that thing you do when you get in bed, close your eyes and wake up the next morning.  Surely it should be that simple?  You have been doing it all your life so we all should be pretty good at it having practised everyday.  However when depression or anxiety happen sleep is often the thing you need most but yet the hardest to achieve.  My post is about the effects of sleep or not sleeping upon my emotional health and tips for what has worked for me.  They may not work for everyone but they are a starting point for me.

My sleep started being effected really as my dad started to become more depressed in the summer of 2010. When my Dad died it obviously got worse but then I went travelling and sleep was always interesting at times.  Jet lag and long journeys often resulted in missing sleep but it did not really matter as I could just catch up whenever and was always something exciting.  To help I was using rescue remedy tablets which are herbal and I found really did help with jet lag to just calm me down to sleep.  

But coming home was a different story and my sleep got much much worse.  I had problems with being able to switch off, to be able to get to sleep as once asleep I would be out.  Some nights I would just watch TV on my laptop until 2am in the morning and then get up for teaching the next day at 7am.  I would tell myself just 10 more minutes or just one more programme.  Then once that time had lapsed would say again to myself the same thing.  I would only turn off the light to sleep once I knew I would fall asleep. 

Some nights would be ok and others I would sleep at 2am so I was able to cope with this until around September time.  I was also on summer holidays from school so most of the summer I just slept when I wanted and the lack of routine was bad.  When I went back to work in the September last year it started getting harder to sleep and most nights I was on about 6 hours a night and was able to just about live on that.  I split up with the guy I had been seeing in a very bad situation and that set my sleep off even worse.

To make things even worse in November I got pneumonia and during this time my friendship deteriorating with my ex and also missing out on a job I really wanted sent my sleep even worse.  I was still living at home and the situation was so tense that I only felt at rest once my mum and her boyfriend had gone to bed.  I went back to work and again was surviving on 5 to 6 hours a night of sleep.  However being weak from the pneumonia I was really only on verge of surviving on that.  I know I needed sleep to get better yet would waste my time watching TV on my laptop even rubbish programmes knowing I could watch them anytime.

I knew watching TV and being on the computer was trying to avoid that quiet time and that time to think and worry as you fall asleep.  I would worry over small things about the next day or something somebody had said to me that day.  I would worry about things I knew would be ok but I could make a mountain out of a molehill.  Once I got to sleep it would be ok but the next morning I would not feel like it had been restful.  I would often have very bad physical ticks when falling asleep which would wake me up again and unnerve me.    

As things came to Christmas and a lot of stress surrounding that I went to the doctor to see if they would give me sleeping tablets really just so I could function in the last week of work and over the holiday.  The doctor did give me sleeping tablets and I remember the first night I took them waking up in the morning was like a relief.  I had actually felt like I had slept properly and not tossing and turning all night.  Christmas was a horrible time and the sleeping tablets helped but I knew it was not a long term situation.  I hated the feeling of the tablets as would feel like a zombie and mixing them with alcohol was a massive no.  Trust me I tried and it was horrid.

After Christmas break I was only working 2 or 3 days a week so my strength started to recover from being ill and so I was better even though I was not sleeping any better.  I finally got a full time job and moved out 2 weeks ago.  I had been wondering if my new anti depressants had been causing insomnia but I would not know until I had moved out.         

Moving out and the effect of that on my sleep has been amazing.  I knew one of my problems was that I spent all my time at home in my small single bedroom.  One big tip is to only use your bedroom for sleep but this was impossible to do at my mum's house.  Now in my own house my bedroom is a TV and laptop free zone.  The only thing I do in my room is sleep.  I also have to make that decision to physically get ready to go to bed and actually move into my room which helps.  It also means that I now read in bed rather then play about on my computer which is something I had really missed giving myself time for.

Occasionally now I still take herbal sleeping tablets if I am feeling anxious but generally I can fall asleep naturally at about 10:30 to 11pm every night.  I sleep properly and ready to wake up when my alarm goes off.  I feel re energised and more ready to tackle the day.  I feel ready to sleep and do not worry about things when I fall asleep now as I enjoy a good book first.

Sleep has a massive effect on your ability to function even as a normal person let alone when you have anxiety and depression.  It would effect my ability to concentrate, to speak in a clear, normal way and it would effect how I would cope with change.  I am still not great when plans change or people do not do what I ask but I am getting better.

So my top tips for better sleep:

1. Only sleep in your bedroom. No TV or laptop.  I still have my phone as I use it for alarm but do not use Internet on it.
2. Learn what you need to make you sleep better. Things like light, noise and temperature of the room can have an effect.
3. If you need sleeping tablets on a short term basis use them to get sleep back into some sort of routine so that you can then improve things.  Use them when you really need them.
4. Relax before you go to bed whether it be reading a book or listening to music.
5. Use body wash and lotion that has lavender in it which can help with sleep.
6. Create your own routine for each night to do before you go to bed so that it forces you to start with but then becomes habit.

I do not really believe about do not have a meal 2 hours before bed as this for me with my lifestyle just does not work.  All the tips that have helped me within my own lifestyle.

Getting better sleep has improved my mood and my anxiety leaps and bounds.  Now just to sort out my symptoms of IBS I have.

My birthday: The start of a new chapter

Today I have turned 27 years old and there is not just that to celebrate.  Just over 1 year ago I returned from travelling to a very turbulent and hard time in my life.  It has probably been the hardest time in my life and I have had some very low points in the last year.

However, instead of focusing on all that negative I choose to focus on the positive and I always try to do that with my blog.  Its has been hard to blog the last week or so having no internet and have used twitter a lot and will continue so follow me on there @adandelionmind.

I have so much to celebrate on this weekend and here is a little list:

1. I have moved into my own place 

2. I have started a new job teaching a difficult special needs class but starting to love my class

3. I have managed to overcome so much in the last year to show me I am a confident and strong lady

4. I had a chat with my sister and made a reconnection to build a more positive relationship

5. I have some amazing friends who love me dearly

6. I have met someone new who I feel really likes me and I like him

In all this weekend I feel like a very lucky girl.

This weekend - my birthday.

Due to having my new place I decided to have friends from all over to come and stay at mine.  Yesterday one of my friends from uni came over earlier and we did a little shopping and catching up.   Back at my house I baked my favourite muffins and then cooked Chilli Con Carne with rice and nachos for everyone.  I had 6 friends from different parts of my life: Uni, teaching and Guiding.  It was so lovely to have people over and enjoy spending time with them because they were there for me.

After dinner we got ready and got a taxi into Nottingham.  I love going out into Nottingham.  It has something for everyone, wear pretty much anything and do not have to walk far to get from one bar to the next.  The five bars we went into had music from current songs to blues to rock to 90's music to salsa.  We did not dance as much as what I wanted but it was great to be out and having an amazing time.  I was not even really worried about drinking of which I had a lot of cocktails last night. 

Today we got up and I cooked bacon and egg sandwiches for breakfast as such a good breakfast after being out.  Was not too hungover just tired really as had not gone to bed until 4am.  We went to a pub I really like that does some lovely food and was my choice for my birthday lunch.  My mum has popped round after my friends left and was pretty flat and I am trying to not get upset by her lack of love shown through emotion.  She shows her love through money which I really hate but that is the way she is.

I have felt very lucky with my friends being here as they were all here for me.  I feel valued and worthy of having people that care for me.  I had such fun with them and felt like this is the start of something new and so exciting.  My friends are my family because as a family we are not close and I do not open up to my mum.  The ups and downs of last year seem to be disappearing.  The worry of going back to being so ill and depressed is even going.  I do not worry half as much as I used to.  Having my own place I no longer live in fear.  I know I still have anxiety issues and I am still taking medication for that but I feel like I have made a huge jump in the last two weeks.

So here is a drink for me (a lovely handmade cosmo in my favourite cocktail bar). To an amazing birthday, best friends I could have and the start of hopefully a much better year. 

   

Hen do: My worst nightmare?

Last weekend was one of my close friends from university's hen do.  Now I was excited to go as not seen the Hen or another close friend for over 2 and half a years.  Plus I needed a weekend away from home but why consider it my worst nightmare?  Because it was full of things that push every anxiety I have at the minute all combined into one weekend.

My anxieties/problems:

• Big group of people
• People I did not know and they did not know my background
• Alcohol and pressure to drink 
• Being round loud drunk people
• Fancy dress and feeling stupid 
• Insomnia and not sleeping 
• IBS like symptoms due to stress 

Alcohol is one major anxiety I have around new people.  I knew it would not be a massive 'thing' as the Hen does not drink but I still find it hard.  I have a very fine line between happy drunk and miserable drunk which was one place I did not want to be on my friends hen do.  Explaining why I do not drink without going into for people I did not know was hard and some people still didn't understand how you can go out and have a good time without drinking.  When we were having a night in and doing PJ party or murder mystery I was alright drinking then as I felt safe.  I was in control of the situation and people would not really notice if you were drinking wine or shloer.   

I find fancy dress really stressful because I hate to look stupid, feel stupid or take the mick out of myself.  I think it is down to me wanting to control situations.  However I felt like I wanted to join in with my friends and have a good night.  In the end by the time we got out and were dancing in the bars I had a good night and really enjoyed being out but it is still not something I will do happily.

At times I felt ok but my stomach did not agree and I had some major IBS like symptoms with cramping and just generally not feeling like eating much.  I think it is down to stress and worrying.  I have given up caffeine and bread to an extent which has helped a lot.  I am hoping that once I move out I will have more control over my diet and it will improve some more.  

How did I feel at the end of it?  Exhausted but I had an amazing weekend.  It did feel like I had survived something but all in all it had been a successful weekend.  I have more confidence in working with my anxieties.   

Seeing my friends again reminded me how I have people that love me and enjoy spending time with me.  I had not seen my friends for nearly 2 and half years plus it is hard for us to even catch up on the phone because we all live busy lives a few hours apart.  I know they should not be excuses but it is just how life goes but this weekend showed me no matter what these 2 girls will always be there for me and look after me.  Now I am looking forward to seeing everyone again at the wedding!

Hen do: My worst nightmare?  Not really when you have amazing friends xx

Out of the darkness and into the light it seems

After the positive post I wrote the other day I have a follow up to it as I have felt that in the last week I have made massive steps forward in so many ways.   

It feels the mist that descended when I came home nearly a year ago is finally lifting and I can see things much clearer.  Having things to look forward to like my new job, house and having amazing friends has lifted so much weight of my shoulders.  I have been having grief counselling as I know that was the first thing I needed to work on to be able to then tackle myself underneath.

Grief

It is a difficult thing to focus on.  To deal with, to live with.

I have cried more in the last few weeks then when my dad actually died.  I locked myself away when he died so that I could leave and go travelling like I had planned.  I needed physical and mental space to even start dealing with things that had happened over the last few years.

I have been having grief counselling and it has really helped as a place to talk about life now because of my Dad's death and remembering my Dad.  My Dad had such a sense of humour and fun and welcoming to everyone.  I miss so many things about him but do not wish him any day.  I get sad about the fact he will never be at my wedding to embarrass me to high heaven in his father of the brides speech.  However I do try to remember all the happy times and the opportunities he gave me.

It was always be there though that loss, that sadness.  

It is not selfish as my mum called him in an argument we had the other day.  The last thing I think is that he was selfish.  He was ill, very ill and I wish she had been more honest about the care he needed and when.  She says I just brush her away and I feel I can never talk to her about my Dad.  When I move into my new house I want to find some things or his and put some pictures up because I want to remember those happy times we had together.

Friends

I have some amazing friends.  Often it is not quantity of time known or spent together but quality of friendship.  I have been able to share with many more people about how I feel and to support me rather then just relying on one person like I was.  One person was there for me when my Dad died and I felt I could understand.  Eventually when I came home from travelling this was too much for one person to cope with my down days.  Now I have friends that I share my low feeling around with, I am more honest to not just them but myself as well.  That person who was there from the beginning of this is still there and I spent a lot of Sunday talking to him after quite a bad day on the Sunday.

Next steps

Through this process recently I feel that I can address myself with the next priority which really is not depression as much but my anxiety problems.  I have always been a worrier and started having panic attacks in 2006 but since becoming a teacher and a grown up it has become worse.  In the process of growing up I have then had hit after hit with life changes and then finally my Dad's death.  Over the last few weeks I have felt that anxiety more and more in terms of not sleeping, IBS like problems with my stomach and generally not wanting to do things.  Sometimes I will sit in the car for a few minutes when I get somewhere to psych myself up in a way.

Anxiety is part of me but I know there are better ways to cope with it.  Currently I use control and keeping busy with things to cope but these are both mentally and physically exhausting.  I am on medication as of this week and going through process to get more counselling or CBT to help me cope better with life.  I also want to pursue mindfulness and meditation on my own as well to help with my worry and negative thoughts at times.  I know I need this as though I am better at the minute I still feel fragile and worry if something else hits then I will be back where I was nearly a year ago.

The best thing:  I finally feel like me again for the time being.  The mist has been lifted and I can feel my life is in some order at the minute.

It's a dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good

My blog is positivity.  My blog is me and I am feeling good.

This is a classic song but it just sums up how I am feeling after the last week.  I am also using the song for a dance routine so it is going round and round in my head and the more it does the more it sums up how I feel at the minute.  The silver lining for many decisions that went against me in last few months is starting to show.  

It's a new dawn. it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good.

New job

I recently finally got a full time, permanent job working as a special needs teacher in a school for students with high functioning autism.  I cannot wait to start but have to wait for my criminal check first which is a bit of a pain but means I can just carry on with supply for now.  I have worked so hard to get this job and been so patient.  In many ways I am glad I did not get the job I was covering at my other school as it has become an OFSTED bubble in some ways at the minute.  This term only working 3 days a week supply has meant I can focus on me and get myself better.  I cannot wait for a fresh start and challenge at this school.

New house

Since coming back I have been living with mum and her boyfriend.  It is a toxic living situation is the only way to describe it as it makes me so miserable as the boyfriend lacks any sense of courtesy, communication or humour.  So since I have a new job coming I decided to move out now rather then wait for my friend to move out with.  She may join me once she has a new job.  This has made me so happy.  I have a space to cook, to work, to have friends over and most importantly to call my own.  It is only rented but I do not care.  I am going to move in with the basics and go from there as we have several second hand furniture stores round here.  I also want to get crafty and make things - been watching Kirsten's vintage home to get ideas.  Though if anyone has a corner sofa they would like to donate I would be most welcome.

Getting dancing, getting healthy

I had severe pneumonia in November and still I am not 100% but I am getting there.  I am back dancing and loving it.  It is such a release to express yourself creatively through movement.  I have also restarted pole dancing and back up to nearly full strength and starting to prepare for the show in June.  I am doing a solo to feeling good in it so got to start preparing that.

New summer plans

Now I am getting paid over the Summer I can start making plans.  I have ended up being an assistant leader on a guiding trip to take 4 girls on a route we plan through 3 countries in Europe.  They have done a lot of the fund raising and I met them today.  Plan at the minute is Paris, Barcelona, Madrid, Lisbon to them fly home and meet all the other teams in Birmingham for the presentation.  

I feel like life has moved round a massive corner and that it has actually felt like the light can be seen.  I have had a problem with drinking any alcohol in the last few months as it just makes me feel miserable but on Friday night I managed to have 3 ciders and have a really good night out with a friend.  

I am still single but I have so many friends to support me.  Recently I have shared my blog with more friends and they have all been really positive about it so it keeps motivating me to write.  I know I have people I can rely on and trust.  

So a man would be the icing on the cake but for now let's keep having some fun. 

My life at the moment

I know it has been a while since I posted last and I have got new blog posts in the pipeline but instead thought I would update you on some current developments in my life.  These are mainly positive really keeping in the spirit of onwards and upwards.

1. New job

Since coming back from travelling I have been working as a supply teacher.  This has its pros and cons.  The main pro is that I turn up to school do the job and go home. The con is that do not get paid for holidays, sickness or when there is no work about.  Luckily I had a full time cover from May to December in a special needs school being a class teacher.  This was great but when I did not get the full time post in the same class gutted was not enough to describe how I felt.  

I have been applying for a couple of jobs that have come up and finally got an interview which went really well and got the job.  It is working in a special needs school for high functioning autistic students aged 8 to 19 years.  I cannot wait.  It is going to be a massive challenge and sad leaving my current school but I am so excited.  Especially as means being paid through long summer holidays and can plan to do a holiday and some dance related things.  

2. Scotland holiday

Over half term I went to visit a couple of friends in Edinburgh and St Andrews.  Had some really nice days and spent most of the time sleeping, eating, shopping and catching up.  It got really cold by the end of the week but it was great to see people and not worry about work.

3. Wisdom teeth

I had my pre op assessment this week and my operation to have my wisdom teeth out is all scheduled and due to go ahead in a few weeks time.  I cannot wait to get them out as they are causing me so much pain at the minute.  I get frequent headaches and pain in my neck and ears.  

Please follow on my twitter as I am getting used to it more and do post things up more regularly.  Let me know if want me to talk about anything in particular or about my life.  I am more then just a person with depression or left without a Dad.  Will share about life in general again soon but keep a look out for new posts soon. 

5 Steps to wellbeing: Mind and me

When I first started feeling unwell and needing help I turned to the vast network of information called the Internet.  This at times is as helpful as it is unhelpful.  However key Internet sites of mainly charities that work towards better understanding and support of mental health offer some of the best advice.  

My favourite is from Minds Ecominds project.  There are 5 steps to well being to help anyone have better mental health.

As they say "We know that eating five portions of fruit and veg a day can help us to keep us healthy.  But researchers have found that people who introduce the following five steps into their lifestyle can improve their mental wellbeing too.'  

In this blog I am going to discuss each one briefly and how I try to say how I include them in my life.  They are not perfect but they do really help to keep my wellbeing going on a even keel.  It is not to say it will work for everyone but they are little steps that may help.

1. Connect

Advice: Build those connection with the people around you: your family, friends, colleagues and neighbours.  Think of these people as the cornerstones of your life and invest time in developing these relationships.  Building stronger connections will support and enrich your life. 

Me:  This can be a hard one as if your feeling low you may not want to see people or think people want to see you.  I try and do the following. 

1. Make time to see or chat on the phone to friends that are close to me locally and do dinner or just a chat and a cup of tea.

2. For those of my friends that live further try and arrange a weekend at some point to meet up and do something.

3. I try to be honest with how I am feeling with colleagues even though they do not know my history or depressive streaks.  So if I am feeling tired or down I say that to people and now I am starting a new job I will be honest with those around me.   

4. I try and do new activities where I will start to meet new people and build new connections through similar interests.

2. Be Active

Advice: Step outside.  Go for a walk or run. Cycle, play a game, dance.  Exercising makes you feel good.  More importantly, discover a physical activity you enjoy and suits your level of mobility and fitness. 

Me: For this to work you have to choose activities that you like.  If anyone suggests going to the gym that makes me feel depressed before I even get there.  By choosing something you like your more motivated to go and do it.  Also choose something you can see your own progress in.  I comfort eat and so I see the positives of exercise is loosing that weight.  I do the following:

1. Pilates - helps both physically and mentally.  It builds a strong core, builds connections in your body and  you are able to do it on every level.  I started because I had back problems which have just about gone now.

2. Dancing - something I will blog more about but its something I have always done.  I currently do pole dance and I love it because it is a challenge to me and that motivates me to go and get better. 

This does not mean I don't find it hard getting my arse out of the house to go and be active.  I just know if I go I will feel better and it gives me such a buzz when I come home.

3. Take notice

Advice: Be curious.  Catch sight of something beautiful today.  Notice the changing seasons.  Savour the moment, whether you are walking, eating lunch or talking to friends.  Awareness of the world around you, what you are feeling and your experiences will help you appreciate what matters to you.

Me: This is one I probably do not have solid examples of.  I have tried to take more notice of what I eat, what my friends are doing, what music I like.  I try and be thankful for small things that happen during the day.  How the mornings are starting to get lighter and spring seems to be on its way.   

4. Keep Learning

Advice: Try something new or rediscover an old interest.  Sign up for that course.  Take on a different responsibility at work.  Learn to play an instrument or how to cook your favourite food.  Learning new things is fun and will make you more confident.  

Me: A lot of this comes under being active for some things.  I have decided to take a new direction in my teaching career so I am always learning new things about special needs, disability and autism.  I am enjoying learning how to cook new things from scratch without adding jars of sauce or packet mixes.   

5. Give

Advice:  Do something nice for a friend, or even a stranger.  Take time to thank someone. Smile.  Volunteer your time.  Join a community group.  Look out as well as in.  Seeing yourself and your happiness, linked to the wider community can be incredibly rewarding and creates connections with people around you.  

Me: Sometimes it is just little things like I agree to help a friend with something or have a look on internet for something they need.  At work I help those that may not have the ICT skills or share things I have created for my class.  I have also volunteered with GirlguidingUK for the last few years and love being a leader and giving a chance for other girls to develop skills outside of traditional education.

I know that at times even doing one of these things can feel too much when you are really low but they can help in small ways.  Being active might be as simple of a walk round the block or a game on the wii but it may give you that little encouragement to try more.  Connecting might be texting a friend or having a coffee after work with someone.

Do you think any of these would help you to feel better?  

Getting help: me vs NHS

I recently managed to start grief counselling but it has been a long time coming and a lot of the frustrations I feel about how I feel and dealing with my Dad's death is about how I have not been given help and the fight to get help.

When my Dad died I was 24 years old.  An adult supposedly.  How we were treated by the Police at times was disgusting and horrible.  Were we offered support? No.  I know through a previous experience when I was teaching that if I was under 18 there would have instantly been a team of support around me.  Educational Psychologist recommending the best ways to support someone with teachers, counselling given on a short term basis to the child and all matter of other things.  So at 24 years old getting no help I was just expected to cope.  

Did I cope? No.  Do I cope now? Just about sometimes.  

I only had 3 months until I went travelling so I knew there was no point getting help to start with and being away at times was the best for me then.  However coming back I knew that I needed to get support and help as those friends who had been there for me, still were but I knew I needed more professional help.

June 2012 despite trying to keep my head above water I just sunk into a black sea of depression and despair.  I ended up going to see my GP which was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.  It takes so much energy just to compose yourself and talk about it that afterwards you feel drained and exhausted.  She said to ring the service in Derbyshire called Rightsteps which you can self refer yourself for help.  At this point I was unsure what I really needed as it was a mixture between help with the grief and the depressive feelings.  

I called Rightsteps, a massive step as I hate using the phone, and I could not get a face to face appointment in the evening so instead settled for a telephone appointment.  I knew this was not really right for me but I just put up with it and waited the 3 weeks until it was my time.  When it came I spent at least an hour answering a lot of questions to in the end be given the choice of self help stuff or self refer myself to a charity for grief counselling as its not a service they provide.  This was the end of June 2011.

I put off referring myself to the charities that help with grief counselling for 2 months and finally summoned the courage to email one of them in August.  Did not hear anything back so just carried on coping until things came to head after splitting with a guy I was seeing and feeling like falling down the big black hole again.  She was very empathetic and really wished she could do more on the NHS.  She decided to write a letter to the same charity I had been trying to self refer to.  

I got a phone call within a week of the letter being sent and an appointment to be assessed for a couple of weeks time.  Unfortunately I was to ill to go to this due to getting pneumonia so I had to wait another 2 weeks to have this assessment.  At this assessment my frustrations about lack of support were evident and the counsellor was really supportive in saying that now I was on their books I would not be forgotten about.  I have managed to get a volunteer counsellor just after a month of that assessment.  Finally some help February 2013.  

I know others that have got help much quicker but they have been more severe having both self harm and suicidal thoughts neither of which I really have.  But if I did not get help in some way I could see myself continuing down that path.  Why not help me now when I am asking for help?  If I had a physical illness would I have had to wait so long to get treatment?  Would I have had to rely on a charity to give me that treatment?  I do not know if my depression is based sorely on grief or if it depression.  I have no idea and probably will never have that.  The doctors at the minute are trying not to see it as depression as when I asked for more help they gave me sleeping tablets I asked for but were reluctant to give me anything else before this counselling started.  

I know counselling is going to help with some of my feelings.  Writing this blog has already helped because a lot of my feelings are around frustrations and anger I feel in particular in getting help.  I know I am not the only one out there that feels like this.  The NHS is there for all and I know it is stretched but at the same time is our mental health not as important as our physical health?           

One thing I found on the Internet which helped me back in June and I still dip and out of is the mood gym programme.  It has simple exercises similar to CBT looking at how you are feeling and why.  It can be done at any speed and it saves the work as you go along.  It is definitely worth a try looking as it is not trying to give you answers but help you find answers.  It is easy to create an account and use and like I said you can do as much or as little as you want at any time.  It has sections on feelings, thoughts, unwrapping, destressing and relationships.  It has tests on anxiety and depressive feelings so for me it gave me validation that I was feeling highly anxious and depressive not just making them up.

Have you got help quickly or still waiting?  Did you manage to get it through NHS or relying on charities to fill the gap?