The issue of trust

Trust.  

It is something we cannot see but is vital in our relationships with friends, partners and families.

It is something that takes a long time to build but very little to destroy.

It is something I am trying to teach my students in my class who have autism everyday.

It is something I crave to give me stability, security and safety.

It is something that effects me every day and I want to discuss how it effects my every day well being.

First of all the complexity of trust in relationships and friendships. 

Last September something rocked my relationship that I was in at the time.  I had been with the man for over 2 years however it was hard to describe the relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend as I spent a lot of the time we were together was whilst I was away travelling.  However we were close.  He had supported me through my Dad's death even though he had only known me for 5 months before hand.  During the time after I returned from travelling he had supported me through a bleak time and we were just becoming closer again.

That was until the end of September when he was up for one of my friends birthdays.  He said he had something to tell me and on the Sunday our relationship came to an abrupt halt due to him cheating on me.  Not only that he had not even been an adult about it and she was now pregnant.  In days after I forgave him and accepted it, there is too much anger and hurt already in the world to tear myself up over one mistake.    We have remained friends for a time and it is going through a rocky patch at the minute and we shall see how things go.  

Until recently I thought this break of trust was something I had got over.  Instead meeting someone new who I liked has put this issue of trust at the forefront again and it is a constant struggle for me now.  When me and this new guy, I will call him B, started getting closer I was so hesitant because I had been so hurt in the past.  I knew I would have to open my heart again to be able to let someone in even just as a friend but that felt a massive step to take. 

When I told my close friends originally about my Dad's death I had some very unsupportive comments.  One of my close friends, who I had waited 2 days to tell her before I rang her due to her being on holiday, replied with the comment 'Are you joking?'.  Like I would joke about my own Dad's suicide?  Ever since then I have always been hesitant about telling people about my Dad and not only what happened but my own reaction in that I accept his death and understand he is at peace now.  Even my own sister tells people that Dad died in a car crash rather then explain the complexities of suicide to people who have no understanding.  

With the my ex he understood what I had been through and I trusted him so much because of that.  I thought no one new would ever understand how I felt about my Dad's death or be able to support me like he had.  I felt I had baggage that was too big for anyone else to understand and accept.  I felt like I was damaged goods in some ways.  However after we split up and meeting new people who have had experience with depression I have begun to trust again and talk more openly.  I started trusting people again that they would understand and not judge me for what had happened and my views on it.  I have told B I feel like damaged goods and he says truthfully that I am not and it is just life experiences.  

How did I trust B with how I feel and why do I open up to him?  I do not know but he was the first person at my last work place that I even told about my Dad's death and circumstances.  He knew that I was in grief counselling and why.  I have trusted him, like I did today. to talk about certain things around my last break up and my Dad's death that I have never talked about before with anyone.  He said a few weeks ago that I take care and worry about so many people that he is there to look after me and to relax me.  I find it easy at times to open up knowing I will not be judged but it is still hard at times to trust fully.

Yesterday I had a very paranoid moment.  I do not know if it was down to not taking my medication or just the circumstance of the days but I just felt on edge with this new friendship in some ways.  In the end it was completely unfounded on my part but it just bought to me the awareness of how my trust in people is on a knife edge.  I have that paranoia at times and it is hard to get it out of my head. 

   

Secondly my relationship with my mum is where trust is a major issue and effects my life on a daily basis. 

Me and my mum have never had a close relationship.  I know I could go to her if I was in trouble but I would only tell her personal things if I felt I had to rather then wanted to.  I have never had that share everything with my mum kind of relationship and I am becoming more and more aware why this is and it is down to trust.  I tell her what she needs to know.

It comes down to the fact I do not trust my Mum fully.  I expect to be judged in a usually negative way for any action I do.  Even simple things like cleaning.  When I was living with her and her partner I did not help that much with the cleaning because I knew no matter how much effort I put into it I would always get criticised and it would never be good enough for my Mum.   

  

I do not speak to her about my Dad because I just do not expect her to understand and to trust she will just listen. In the middle of an argument on Mother's Day she described what my Dad did as selfish which is the opposite of what I have ever thought.  One Christmas before my Dad died she criticised him for being a bad father on Christmas day and really the only people that can judge that is me and my sister.

She does support me in things I do and what I aim for in life but I try to not rely on her 100% for emotional support and one reason of that is of her relationship with a man who cannot even be civil to me even after living with him for a year.  A man that left me out of my Mum's birthday and never apologised.  A man who swore and shouted at me over minor things but yet that is ok in my Mum's eyes.  All the time whilst I lived at home Mum said I should try harder and make more effort even though she knew how hurt I was by all this.  In the end it does come down partly to the fact that me and my Mum are very different people and as adults we just do not get on at times.  

Now I have my own house I have more security, stability and safety because I never felt like that living with my Mum and her partner.  I did not realise until I moved out 3 weeks ago how much fear I lived in day in, day out.  Me and my Mum are repairing our relationship slowly but I do not think we will ever have a close relationship like other people and I envy that at times.

I am starting to trust again and put measures in place to do so but it still takes a massive effort at times to reduce my anxieties.  All I know is in the last year I have made some very good friends who I can start to trust and open up to.  That I have strategies in place to deal with this but my trust is still very delicate.