I have a wedding on Saturday of a close friend from university. Am I looking forward to it? Yes and no. Yes because I will get to see many friends who live far away and celebrate a lovely day for a lovely couple. But really I hate weddings and the day holds all sense of dread for me. So instead of just bottling it up tonight I am going to use it to write instead.
Many girls dream of their big day. Their one special day where everybody is there for you and your marriage to wish you well. To walk down the aisle to Prince Charming in a big white dress looking for the happily every after.
To me this is all a load of rubbish.
I think a lot of how I feel stems from my family situation and my cynical nature of marriage after my own parents separation after 25 years together for reasons my mother, who was the one that walked away, never has explained at all. I know she was unhappy but nothing more then that is known to me or my sister. After my relationships have ended I have always thought is quality of time better then quantity of time together? Do we need different people for different stages of life for different needs?
I have never seen myself with that perfect day because my wider family is so split up and people do not speak to others. I never saw myself having a wedding at home I would rather have eloped and not dealt with the family arguments of 30 odd years old.
My feelings about the actual wedding day revolve a lot around the loss of my dad. When thinking about a wedding day the only thing I have ever thought about is the speech my Dad would do to embarrass me as much as possible with at the same time being the proudest man there. I saw on key moments of my life like my graduation how proud my Dad was and there is not really another occasion where your Dad stands up and speaks to people about you. To me getting married without my Dad just seems impossible to not have him there as I never envisaged him not being there.
The week of my Dad's funeral I attend my best friend from university's wedding as Maid of Honour. Looking back it was probably a step too far at the time but I was determined to not miss the wedding. I had got through the funeral without a single tear yet just walking down the aisle behind her I had to hold back the flow. When it came to her Dad's speech I just could not hold on to the sadness of not having my Dad. Since then I have been to a few weddings as a guest and working as a waitress and it still gets me every time of being there and having your Dad there. It is one part of the wedding coming this weekend that I wish to just go and it somewhere and not have to face.
My other issue is how I then deal with coping with these feelings. One is drinking alcohol and it is never a good place for me really but there is that expectation at a wedding. Through in a whole room of strangers that makes me anxious as well and its a recipe of hell for me. Then there is also the issue of; what to wear? what shoes do I wear? Do I look fat in this? Am I too dressed up or not dressed up enough? It just makes everything that little bit harder.
I do not see myself getting married as I could not make that promise to love some and stay with them until death us do part. There is not an occasion that celebrates us not making that choice. That single life can be just as much a choice as being married. It comes down the expectation of society. I do not see myself getting married or having children but that is a different post yet to be written.
Will leave you with a photo of me being Maid of Honour for my best friend in October 2010 and will promise to post pictures from the wedding and an update next week.
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