Everytime there is a suicide reported in the press all I can think of is how simple they make it sound when suicide is such a complex thing and very much misunderstood. I have wanted to start writing post about this for a long time but its such a complex one its taken until now to start.
On a basic level suicide is the act of killing yourself. I do not say commit suicide and I wish many other people didn't as it suggests the criminal past which is no good for families left behind or those who have attempted. Language is one of the biggest reasons why suicide is hard to talk about and understand. I am not a survivor of suicide nor did my dad battle depression. Battle suggests that he failed in defeating it and did not try hard enough. Anyway language around this could take another post.
From the day my Dad died I said at least he is at peace as he was in so much pain and was so ill. It was not until I read this article about someone who lost their best friend to suicide that I could put this into words.
Suicide is not a wish to die but an inability to continue living.
Some people say it is a cowardly and selfish thing to do. How could someone want to leave their partner behind? Children? Friends and family? Do they know how much they will hurt people they leave behind? The people who say these things don't know of the anguish that leads for someone to think of ending their own life.
My dad probably knew how much it would hurt us for him to leave us but at the same time he thought he was a burden on everyone. That he was not worth everyone's attention and that we would be better off without him. There were many reasons for him finally taking his own life its not a simple, straightforward answer. He loved me I know that and he was so proud of everything me and my sister did. He was very much a loving person that enjoyed life.
Do I wish I could have done more for my dad in the 6 months leading up to his death? Yes I do all the time. I wish at the minute I could have known about services that may have helped me to help him or even intervened. However the crisis team were involved just a few months before his death and that changed nothing. My dad's dad did the same thing, similar age and similar time of year but I doubt my Dad would have told doctors that information. Me and my sister did not know that our Grandpa died through suicide until a few years ago when we asked our aunt how he had died as he died before we were both born.
I want to prevent other families going through the same thing and that the suicide is too high especially in men and younger people. But on the other hand I want to be able to say that my Dad died from suicide to people without that pity and look of how can you come to peace with that. To loose that stigma surrounds someone grieving from a loss through suicide. If my Dad had died through a road crash or cancer or heart attack I think my responses from friends and others would be very different.
This is only a short post for now but I want to write more about my own experiences and about suicide.
