What is life if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare

What is life if, full and care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass/

No time to see in broad daylight.
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.

A poor life that is full of care
We have no time to stand and stare.

William Henry Davies

I have put this poem up due to a couple of reasons.  When I went travelling I kept a journal and by the time I got to the 3rd one I had no more travel quotes left to write in it so I wrote this.  Whilst travelling it was easy to run round to try and see everything that sometimes you needed to have that time to stand and stare.  Even now one of the hardest things I find to do is to stop and relax.  Truly relax without thinking of doing anything else.  This poem when I think of it instantly makes me feel calmer and relaxed by reminding me sometimes we do need to just stand and stare to make the most of it.

Finally I made my pledge - Time to Change

Time to Change is an anti stigma campaign run by charities Mind and Rethink Mental Illness.  One of their ways to encourage people to talk about their mental health is their pledge wall on their website.  Anybody can make a pledge either through a written pledge or video pledge.  There are many celebrities, organisations and normal people who have made the pledge to talk about mental health.  At the minute the count stands at 29,982.  

I had not made a pledge until yesterday when I finally made the pledge and included the link to this blog.  I had known about this part of Time to Change but had not done it.  I do not why I had not done it; fear, scared, unsure?  I am not sure.  However I decided yesterday to just do it and share my blog as well within the link.

So please go and see My Pledge and others on the site as well as other information on Time to Change campaign.    

New Year Resolution 2013

I do not make a habit of making resolutions for the new year because like most other resolutions I know I will struggle to keep whatever aim I intended to keep for the year.  One thing I do want to work on in 2013 is becoming happier in myself after some tough times in 2012.  This is a massive aim - to be happier.  For it to ever succeed I broke it down a little bit. 

This advice came from one of my friends before this picture above appeared on Katie Price's facebook wall a few weeks ago.  Every day might not be the best but something, however small it may be, will be good about that day.  I have a jar it sits out of sight but every day or every few days I think about what has gone on and write something big or small that was good about that day.  If there is something I feel in particular at that moment in time I might write an extra note.  The aim is that come 31st December 2013 I will have many memories to stir what is good about my life and those hidden positive memories as every day life takes its toil sometimes.  

It is wrong to think that depressed people should just be thankful for what they have got and have no right to be miserable.  This thought might make them feel even lower about themselves.  Instead this process for me is a way of forcing myself to reflect on getting that perspective I had when I was away travelling, to find the good in one day as I have a tendency to warp my thoughts.  

So far I am able to keep this small resolution to write one note every day. 

To make a big difference start with a small change. 

Introducing Time to Change.

Time to change is an anti-stigma campaign run by the leading mental health charities Mind and Rethink Mental Illness.  You may have seen their new TV adverts which have started running this week.  I wanted to just give them a quick mention as a place to find some understanding about what you are going through and how to start a conversation about how you feel.  My favourite video that they have producded is the one below.  They also have a lot of blogs from a vareity of people saying how they cope and share with other people.

For more information visit: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/

How was your christmas? The truthful answer

How was your christmas?  It is the most asked question on the first few days when returning to work back after the christmas holidays.  What to reply though can be hard.  Do you say the truth and that it was a hard, stressful time, that you hate christmas or do you put a smile on your face and say you had a great time?

This year I choose an answer in between the two.  I hate christmas I have done for the last few years after leaving university.  I find it very hard to deal the with the expectation of the perfect christmas, the hype and the perfect family time together.  2011 was my perfect Christmas.  I spent it in New Zealand where there was no hype, barely any Christmas decorations, no present buying or seeing relatives you really do not like.  In a way I got to avoid christmas, well being on the other side of the world did kind of help matters.

So the answer I gave when I went back to work this year was that christmas was not so good but I had an amazing new year week visiting friends many of which I had not seen in such a long time.  It does not mean that life is all bad, it isn't I have much to be thankful for but it does truthfully show that I hate the pressure and attitudes around christmas.

It is like when somebody asks you how are you and you put that brave face/mask on reply with I am fine.  What I really mean at that point is that I really want to say I am not fine but it is easier to say I am fine.  However, now I am trying to be more open about things and not just put the face on.  If I did not feel like getting up I say so or if I didn't have a great weekend I say so.  Few months ago I asked if I could move my lesson observation as I had had a really big personal thing happen to me and it was hard for me to be in school in the first place.  The Head agreed and even asked if I was still ok to be in school.  I said yes because I had not got to teach in the afternoon just take my class swimming.

I promise that I will try my best to be more truthful about how I feel.  That does not mean I continually go on about how low I am feeling but just acknowledge it and move on with the rest of my day.

A brief introduction to Bill Bailey

Bill Bailey = musical, comedy genius.

This man is my favourite comedian and I can roll off so many bits of his shows and songs.  I have seen him live four times so far including his 'A Dandelion Mind' show when it was on in London.  I have front row tickets for his new show when it starts touring later this summer.  He has also starred in a few TV shows like Black books and films notably Hot Fuzz.  I thought I would just include the song which includes the phrase a dandelion mind but if you do not know this man please youtube him, get his DVD he is just an awesome comedian.

A little about me....

I posted up my first post but then a few days later realised if you were not friends with me you would wonder who on earth this person is.  So as my next post a little introduction to my world.

The basics.  My name is Nicola and I am 26 years old.  I live in Nottingham and on the verge of moving out again into a houseshare.  I am a supply teacher at the minute mainly in special needs school but I did not qualify as a teacher of special needs children.  I studied dance at University in York before going to Exeter University to train as a secondary school dance teacher.  I taught at a secondary school for two years before moving home in July 2010 to finish saving to go travelling.

I went travelling for 16 months in January 2011 mainly on my own and came back just before the end of April in 2012.  I had saved hard for 18 months to be able to visit South East Asia, Australia, New Zealand and South America.  I will probably explain more about my travels and some photographs as I write more on this blog.  I volunteered in Thailand for 6 weeks teaching English in the depths of Thailand, living with a Thai family and hardly anybody in the town was able to speak English.  I also worked in hospitality during my stay in Australia to pay for some of the trip after that.  Going travelling was probably the best decision I could have made and its made me the person I am today.  My dad died 3 months before I left but that was not going to stop me going as I know he would not have wanted it to stop me and I would have regretted it if I had not of gone.

Coming home though was probably as much of a shock as going away in the first place.  I moved back in with my mum and her boyfriend (plus his son for a few months) and it has been an up and down experience.  However having a normal life has it's own advantages.  I have been doing pilates, dancing, guiding and having a wardrobe are all positives.  You appreciate not sharing a room with at least 3 other people and not living out of a bag.

Tonight I watched World's Most Dangerous Roads in Bolivia and it just reminded me of how much I enjoyed travelling and what amazing things I saw plus all the memories photographs do not capture.  I felt like why did I even come home because it has been such a rocky ride since coming home.  I can only describe June as black, no other way to describe it.  However, since I have been home I have been doing a job I never expected to but am really enjoying it but so much has happened since coming back.  Another plus has been a reminder of how many friends I do have plus I have made some amazing lifelong friends through various different avenues over the last few months.  I have had to face a lot of things including my grief around my dad's death and some really hard times but I am coming through and hopefully 2013 is going to be better.  

So to sum me up I would say I am a little bit crazy, talkative, stubborn but caring and hard working.

Sometimes the hardest thing is to start

What do Robbie Williams, Stephen Fry and Ruby Wax all have in common?

They all have been in entertainment.  Yes.

They all have a lot of money.  Yes.

You would recognise them walking down the street. Perhaps. 

However, for me they all have something else in common.  They all spoke out and talked about the difficulties they have faced coping with their mental health.  They have stood up for the fact its something so taboo, has so much stigma attached to it and they have tried to tell people what it is like.

I have struggled in the last few years as to how to share my own experiences.  Even now I am struggling as to how much I share this, who I share it with and how much I tell people in fear of many things including people's reactions.  When it comes down to it people just do not understand how anybody can feel so low to be depressed and to suffer so much pain internally.  People say you can just feel happier by putting a smile on your face or 'pulling' yourself together.   

According to a quick Internet search the number affected by cancer in the UK in their lifetime is 1 in 3.  The number for mental health is 1 in 4.  Yet to share that you are effected by mental health is harder to face sharing with others for the stigma of being the 'mad' or 'crazy' one.

So why am I starting my blog if sharing is so hard?  I have come to realise every time I tell a new person about my own experiences I have been through that it is like a release.  A little less weight on my shoulders.  That when I trust people to listen then they do understand or start to understand what someone with depression or a mental health issue can go through or what it is like living with somebody close who does struggle.  

I choose the name dandelion mind because of 2 reasons.

1. My favourite comedian is Bill Bailey who has a show by the same name and uses the line in a song.  I just like the image and the words. 

2. Its often how I feel about my own mind, that sometimes I can hold it together but other times when some gust of wind comes along in my life it just scatters my brain and it feels hard work to keep it all together.  

What is my blog about then?  It is about dealing my dad's death in October 2010 but in no way do I want it to be a negative, grief filled, dark reflection on him and others that have mental heath illnesses.  I want my blog to about how I dealt with that, a place to reflect on how it effects my life but in a positive as possible light.  For others to know they are not alone as when it happened I felt like that no matter how I searched online.  It may have things I watch, that I like, information to other places or things I find interesting.

I do not want to use the word survivor or that my dad was battling depression or a problem.  Language is very powerful and so I try my best to think about how I speak about it.  

Sometimes that blank piece of white paper is the hardest place to start but hopefully I am on the way now.