About 4 months ago my doctor finally agreed to put me on medication for my anxiety level as it was just unbearable and stopping my every day life. I have a love/hate relationship with the medication and recently moaned a lot about it to friends and people on twitter so I thought I would explain more about my thoughts and feelings and how being on medication makes me feel and what I have learnt.
Last year I had a very depressive episode and when I finally got some grief counselling it lifted and exposed underneath the anxiety that has been building up really over the last 4 or 5 years. I think reflecting back on my childhood I have always been an anxious person but always hidden it well which causes more anxiety. Once I had done the grief counselling and gone back to my doctor I finally persuaded her to let me try some medication for it. She prescribed my citlopram and started on a 10mg per day routine.
Now I got quite a lot of negative reaction from some friends. Many were like are you sure you need to be on medication? Are you sure it is the right idea and what about the side effects? I hide my anxiety on a day to day basis and even though these friends knew I had had a hard time they still don't see all those worries that go round in my head. I explained that at that time I was very anxious and that it effects my sleep, my eating, my speech and was giving me IBS through stress and worry. Most once I explained this could see why maybe medication was a positive thing.
I have always known that medication is not the long term answer. I had counselling when my parents split up and again round my Dad's death and I know it is a positive step for me. Also I very much like talking things through and have also done some cognitive behaviour therapy programmes online. I know that I need to do some of this therapy work rather then just rely on medication. However getting these talking therapies on the NHS is a battle and a struggle.
I was asked to self refer myself back to the service I had tried to access last year. Now asking someone who has anxiety disorder to self refer is really not the way to go about it. Therefore I still have not done because I hate hate hate talking on the phone. Also when I did this self referal last year I had to do a telephone appointment and through a very stressful process had no outcome. They basically said we don't provide grief counselling and so I worry that there is no point to putting myself through this process again. However my doctor is trying to see if I can access the counselling service at the surgery and if I can do that in evenings or on a Saturday. I teach special needs and missing a morning or afternoon of every week would create so much more stress then it solves because the nature of my students.
Now all medication comes with side effects and I accept this. I am quite happy to take medication if it is going to help me. I think the benefits of taking citlopram is worth it because it means I can carry on with my normal life whilst waiting for another solution to help. However I do not like taking it as I never know if how I feel is a side effect or just life.
A prime example of this is dreaming. Now I have always been a dreamer; I can remember dreams from my childhood and still see them vividly. However recently I have had so many dreams which I remember and unsettle me in the morning. They are not good or bad dreams as such but they usually reflect something true to life and me. They just put me in a weird mood for the day especially if I remember them for a while. This recent dreaming could just be me but it could also be the medication.
Other side effects include itchy skin but compared to the horrendous bed bug bites I got travelling it is a mild annoyance. I also have at times insomnia and fatigue both of which could be life or medication. One that I am very unsure of is the way I can feel very paranoid usually about friends and do they care for me and other feelings around trust.
I am back at the doctor next week to discuss medication because of this paranoia and a few other things I have been feeling. She possibly may put my dose up for now and hopefully she has had an answer back about counselling during out of hours.
I know medication is only part of the solution and I need to seek help to use talking therapies and self care to find the bigger answer.
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