Weddings and my dislike and grief

I have a wedding on Saturday of a close friend from university.  Am I looking forward to it? Yes and no.  Yes because I will get to see many friends who live far away and celebrate a lovely day for a lovely couple.  But really I hate weddings and the day holds all sense of dread for me.  So instead of just bottling it up tonight I am going to use it to write instead.  

Many girls dream of their big day.  Their one special day where everybody is there for you and your marriage to wish you well.  To walk down the aisle to Prince Charming in a big white dress looking for the happily every after.

To me this is all a load of rubbish.

I think a lot of how I feel stems from my family situation and my cynical nature of marriage after my own parents separation after 25 years together for reasons my mother, who was the one that walked away, never has explained at all.  I know she was unhappy but nothing more then that is known to me or my sister.  After my relationships have ended I have always thought is quality of time better then quantity of time together?  Do we need different people for different stages of life for different needs?

I have never seen myself with that perfect day because my wider family is so split up and people do not speak to others.  I never saw myself having a wedding at home I would rather have eloped and not dealt with the family arguments of 30 odd years old.  

My feelings about the actual wedding day revolve a lot around the loss of my dad.  When thinking about a wedding day the only thing I have ever thought about is the speech my Dad would do to embarrass me as much as possible with at the same time being the proudest man there.  I saw on key moments of my life like my graduation how proud my Dad was and there is not really another occasion where your Dad stands up and speaks to people about you.  To me getting married without my Dad just seems impossible to not have him there as I never envisaged him not being there.

The week of my Dad's funeral I attend my best friend from university's wedding as Maid of Honour.  Looking back it was probably a step too far at the time but I was determined to not miss the wedding.  I had got through the funeral without a single tear yet just walking down the aisle behind her I had to hold back the flow.  When it came to her Dad's speech I just could not hold on to the sadness of not having my Dad.  Since then I have been to a few weddings as a guest and working as a waitress and it still gets me every time of being there and having your Dad there.  It is one part of the wedding coming this weekend that I wish to just go and it somewhere and not have to face.

My other issue is how I then deal with coping with these feelings.  One is drinking alcohol and it is never a good place for me really but there is that expectation at a wedding.  Through in a whole room of strangers that makes me anxious as well and its a recipe of hell for me.  Then there is also the issue of; what to wear? what shoes do I wear? Do I look fat in this? Am I too dressed up or not dressed up enough? It just makes everything that little bit harder. 

I do not see myself getting married as I could not make that promise to love some and stay with them until death us do part.  There is not an occasion that celebrates us not making that choice.  That single life can be just as much a choice as being married.  It comes down the expectation of society.  I do not see myself getting married or having children but that is a different post yet to be written. 

Will leave you with a photo of me being Maid of Honour for my best friend in October 2010 and will promise to post pictures from the wedding and an update next week. 

The issue of trust

Trust.  

It is something we cannot see but is vital in our relationships with friends, partners and families.

It is something that takes a long time to build but very little to destroy.

It is something I am trying to teach my students in my class who have autism everyday.

It is something I crave to give me stability, security and safety.

It is something that effects me every day and I want to discuss how it effects my every day well being.

First of all the complexity of trust in relationships and friendships. 

Last September something rocked my relationship that I was in at the time.  I had been with the man for over 2 years however it was hard to describe the relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend as I spent a lot of the time we were together was whilst I was away travelling.  However we were close.  He had supported me through my Dad's death even though he had only known me for 5 months before hand.  During the time after I returned from travelling he had supported me through a bleak time and we were just becoming closer again.

That was until the end of September when he was up for one of my friends birthdays.  He said he had something to tell me and on the Sunday our relationship came to an abrupt halt due to him cheating on me.  Not only that he had not even been an adult about it and she was now pregnant.  In days after I forgave him and accepted it, there is too much anger and hurt already in the world to tear myself up over one mistake.    We have remained friends for a time and it is going through a rocky patch at the minute and we shall see how things go.  

Until recently I thought this break of trust was something I had got over.  Instead meeting someone new who I liked has put this issue of trust at the forefront again and it is a constant struggle for me now.  When me and this new guy, I will call him B, started getting closer I was so hesitant because I had been so hurt in the past.  I knew I would have to open my heart again to be able to let someone in even just as a friend but that felt a massive step to take. 

When I told my close friends originally about my Dad's death I had some very unsupportive comments.  One of my close friends, who I had waited 2 days to tell her before I rang her due to her being on holiday, replied with the comment 'Are you joking?'.  Like I would joke about my own Dad's suicide?  Ever since then I have always been hesitant about telling people about my Dad and not only what happened but my own reaction in that I accept his death and understand he is at peace now.  Even my own sister tells people that Dad died in a car crash rather then explain the complexities of suicide to people who have no understanding.  

With the my ex he understood what I had been through and I trusted him so much because of that.  I thought no one new would ever understand how I felt about my Dad's death or be able to support me like he had.  I felt I had baggage that was too big for anyone else to understand and accept.  I felt like I was damaged goods in some ways.  However after we split up and meeting new people who have had experience with depression I have begun to trust again and talk more openly.  I started trusting people again that they would understand and not judge me for what had happened and my views on it.  I have told B I feel like damaged goods and he says truthfully that I am not and it is just life experiences.  

How did I trust B with how I feel and why do I open up to him?  I do not know but he was the first person at my last work place that I even told about my Dad's death and circumstances.  He knew that I was in grief counselling and why.  I have trusted him, like I did today. to talk about certain things around my last break up and my Dad's death that I have never talked about before with anyone.  He said a few weeks ago that I take care and worry about so many people that he is there to look after me and to relax me.  I find it easy at times to open up knowing I will not be judged but it is still hard at times to trust fully.

Yesterday I had a very paranoid moment.  I do not know if it was down to not taking my medication or just the circumstance of the days but I just felt on edge with this new friendship in some ways.  In the end it was completely unfounded on my part but it just bought to me the awareness of how my trust in people is on a knife edge.  I have that paranoia at times and it is hard to get it out of my head. 

   

Secondly my relationship with my mum is where trust is a major issue and effects my life on a daily basis. 

Me and my mum have never had a close relationship.  I know I could go to her if I was in trouble but I would only tell her personal things if I felt I had to rather then wanted to.  I have never had that share everything with my mum kind of relationship and I am becoming more and more aware why this is and it is down to trust.  I tell her what she needs to know.

It comes down to the fact I do not trust my Mum fully.  I expect to be judged in a usually negative way for any action I do.  Even simple things like cleaning.  When I was living with her and her partner I did not help that much with the cleaning because I knew no matter how much effort I put into it I would always get criticised and it would never be good enough for my Mum.   

  

I do not speak to her about my Dad because I just do not expect her to understand and to trust she will just listen. In the middle of an argument on Mother's Day she described what my Dad did as selfish which is the opposite of what I have ever thought.  One Christmas before my Dad died she criticised him for being a bad father on Christmas day and really the only people that can judge that is me and my sister.

She does support me in things I do and what I aim for in life but I try to not rely on her 100% for emotional support and one reason of that is of her relationship with a man who cannot even be civil to me even after living with him for a year.  A man that left me out of my Mum's birthday and never apologised.  A man who swore and shouted at me over minor things but yet that is ok in my Mum's eyes.  All the time whilst I lived at home Mum said I should try harder and make more effort even though she knew how hurt I was by all this.  In the end it does come down partly to the fact that me and my Mum are very different people and as adults we just do not get on at times.  

Now I have my own house I have more security, stability and safety because I never felt like that living with my Mum and her partner.  I did not realise until I moved out 3 weeks ago how much fear I lived in day in, day out.  Me and my Mum are repairing our relationship slowly but I do not think we will ever have a close relationship like other people and I envy that at times.

I am starting to trust again and put measures in place to do so but it still takes a massive effort at times to reduce my anxieties.  All I know is in the last year I have made some very good friends who I can start to trust and open up to.  That I have strategies in place to deal with this but my trust is still very delicate.       

  

Sleep and my journey

Sleep.  It is that thing you do when you get in bed, close your eyes and wake up the next morning.  Surely it should be that simple?  You have been doing it all your life so we all should be pretty good at it having practised everyday.  However when depression or anxiety happen sleep is often the thing you need most but yet the hardest to achieve.  My post is about the effects of sleep or not sleeping upon my emotional health and tips for what has worked for me.  They may not work for everyone but they are a starting point for me.

My sleep started being effected really as my dad started to become more depressed in the summer of 2010. When my Dad died it obviously got worse but then I went travelling and sleep was always interesting at times.  Jet lag and long journeys often resulted in missing sleep but it did not really matter as I could just catch up whenever and was always something exciting.  To help I was using rescue remedy tablets which are herbal and I found really did help with jet lag to just calm me down to sleep.  

But coming home was a different story and my sleep got much much worse.  I had problems with being able to switch off, to be able to get to sleep as once asleep I would be out.  Some nights I would just watch TV on my laptop until 2am in the morning and then get up for teaching the next day at 7am.  I would tell myself just 10 more minutes or just one more programme.  Then once that time had lapsed would say again to myself the same thing.  I would only turn off the light to sleep once I knew I would fall asleep. 

Some nights would be ok and others I would sleep at 2am so I was able to cope with this until around September time.  I was also on summer holidays from school so most of the summer I just slept when I wanted and the lack of routine was bad.  When I went back to work in the September last year it started getting harder to sleep and most nights I was on about 6 hours a night and was able to just about live on that.  I split up with the guy I had been seeing in a very bad situation and that set my sleep off even worse.

To make things even worse in November I got pneumonia and during this time my friendship deteriorating with my ex and also missing out on a job I really wanted sent my sleep even worse.  I was still living at home and the situation was so tense that I only felt at rest once my mum and her boyfriend had gone to bed.  I went back to work and again was surviving on 5 to 6 hours a night of sleep.  However being weak from the pneumonia I was really only on verge of surviving on that.  I know I needed sleep to get better yet would waste my time watching TV on my laptop even rubbish programmes knowing I could watch them anytime.

I knew watching TV and being on the computer was trying to avoid that quiet time and that time to think and worry as you fall asleep.  I would worry over small things about the next day or something somebody had said to me that day.  I would worry about things I knew would be ok but I could make a mountain out of a molehill.  Once I got to sleep it would be ok but the next morning I would not feel like it had been restful.  I would often have very bad physical ticks when falling asleep which would wake me up again and unnerve me.    

As things came to Christmas and a lot of stress surrounding that I went to the doctor to see if they would give me sleeping tablets really just so I could function in the last week of work and over the holiday.  The doctor did give me sleeping tablets and I remember the first night I took them waking up in the morning was like a relief.  I had actually felt like I had slept properly and not tossing and turning all night.  Christmas was a horrible time and the sleeping tablets helped but I knew it was not a long term situation.  I hated the feeling of the tablets as would feel like a zombie and mixing them with alcohol was a massive no.  Trust me I tried and it was horrid.

After Christmas break I was only working 2 or 3 days a week so my strength started to recover from being ill and so I was better even though I was not sleeping any better.  I finally got a full time job and moved out 2 weeks ago.  I had been wondering if my new anti depressants had been causing insomnia but I would not know until I had moved out.         

Moving out and the effect of that on my sleep has been amazing.  I knew one of my problems was that I spent all my time at home in my small single bedroom.  One big tip is to only use your bedroom for sleep but this was impossible to do at my mum's house.  Now in my own house my bedroom is a TV and laptop free zone.  The only thing I do in my room is sleep.  I also have to make that decision to physically get ready to go to bed and actually move into my room which helps.  It also means that I now read in bed rather then play about on my computer which is something I had really missed giving myself time for.

Occasionally now I still take herbal sleeping tablets if I am feeling anxious but generally I can fall asleep naturally at about 10:30 to 11pm every night.  I sleep properly and ready to wake up when my alarm goes off.  I feel re energised and more ready to tackle the day.  I feel ready to sleep and do not worry about things when I fall asleep now as I enjoy a good book first.

Sleep has a massive effect on your ability to function even as a normal person let alone when you have anxiety and depression.  It would effect my ability to concentrate, to speak in a clear, normal way and it would effect how I would cope with change.  I am still not great when plans change or people do not do what I ask but I am getting better.

So my top tips for better sleep:

1. Only sleep in your bedroom. No TV or laptop.  I still have my phone as I use it for alarm but do not use Internet on it.
2. Learn what you need to make you sleep better. Things like light, noise and temperature of the room can have an effect.
3. If you need sleeping tablets on a short term basis use them to get sleep back into some sort of routine so that you can then improve things.  Use them when you really need them.
4. Relax before you go to bed whether it be reading a book or listening to music.
5. Use body wash and lotion that has lavender in it which can help with sleep.
6. Create your own routine for each night to do before you go to bed so that it forces you to start with but then becomes habit.

I do not really believe about do not have a meal 2 hours before bed as this for me with my lifestyle just does not work.  All the tips that have helped me within my own lifestyle.

Getting better sleep has improved my mood and my anxiety leaps and bounds.  Now just to sort out my symptoms of IBS I have.

My birthday: The start of a new chapter

Today I have turned 27 years old and there is not just that to celebrate.  Just over 1 year ago I returned from travelling to a very turbulent and hard time in my life.  It has probably been the hardest time in my life and I have had some very low points in the last year.

However, instead of focusing on all that negative I choose to focus on the positive and I always try to do that with my blog.  Its has been hard to blog the last week or so having no internet and have used twitter a lot and will continue so follow me on there @adandelionmind.

I have so much to celebrate on this weekend and here is a little list:

1. I have moved into my own place 

2. I have started a new job teaching a difficult special needs class but starting to love my class

3. I have managed to overcome so much in the last year to show me I am a confident and strong lady

4. I had a chat with my sister and made a reconnection to build a more positive relationship

5. I have some amazing friends who love me dearly

6. I have met someone new who I feel really likes me and I like him

In all this weekend I feel like a very lucky girl.

This weekend - my birthday.

Due to having my new place I decided to have friends from all over to come and stay at mine.  Yesterday one of my friends from uni came over earlier and we did a little shopping and catching up.   Back at my house I baked my favourite muffins and then cooked Chilli Con Carne with rice and nachos for everyone.  I had 6 friends from different parts of my life: Uni, teaching and Guiding.  It was so lovely to have people over and enjoy spending time with them because they were there for me.

After dinner we got ready and got a taxi into Nottingham.  I love going out into Nottingham.  It has something for everyone, wear pretty much anything and do not have to walk far to get from one bar to the next.  The five bars we went into had music from current songs to blues to rock to 90's music to salsa.  We did not dance as much as what I wanted but it was great to be out and having an amazing time.  I was not even really worried about drinking of which I had a lot of cocktails last night. 

Today we got up and I cooked bacon and egg sandwiches for breakfast as such a good breakfast after being out.  Was not too hungover just tired really as had not gone to bed until 4am.  We went to a pub I really like that does some lovely food and was my choice for my birthday lunch.  My mum has popped round after my friends left and was pretty flat and I am trying to not get upset by her lack of love shown through emotion.  She shows her love through money which I really hate but that is the way she is.

I have felt very lucky with my friends being here as they were all here for me.  I feel valued and worthy of having people that care for me.  I had such fun with them and felt like this is the start of something new and so exciting.  My friends are my family because as a family we are not close and I do not open up to my mum.  The ups and downs of last year seem to be disappearing.  The worry of going back to being so ill and depressed is even going.  I do not worry half as much as I used to.  Having my own place I no longer live in fear.  I know I still have anxiety issues and I am still taking medication for that but I feel like I have made a huge jump in the last two weeks.

So here is a drink for me (a lovely handmade cosmo in my favourite cocktail bar). To an amazing birthday, best friends I could have and the start of hopefully a much better year. 

   

Hen do: My worst nightmare?

Last weekend was one of my close friends from university's hen do.  Now I was excited to go as not seen the Hen or another close friend for over 2 and half a years.  Plus I needed a weekend away from home but why consider it my worst nightmare?  Because it was full of things that push every anxiety I have at the minute all combined into one weekend.

My anxieties/problems:

• Big group of people
• People I did not know and they did not know my background
• Alcohol and pressure to drink 
• Being round loud drunk people
• Fancy dress and feeling stupid 
• Insomnia and not sleeping 
• IBS like symptoms due to stress 

Alcohol is one major anxiety I have around new people.  I knew it would not be a massive 'thing' as the Hen does not drink but I still find it hard.  I have a very fine line between happy drunk and miserable drunk which was one place I did not want to be on my friends hen do.  Explaining why I do not drink without going into for people I did not know was hard and some people still didn't understand how you can go out and have a good time without drinking.  When we were having a night in and doing PJ party or murder mystery I was alright drinking then as I felt safe.  I was in control of the situation and people would not really notice if you were drinking wine or shloer.   

I find fancy dress really stressful because I hate to look stupid, feel stupid or take the mick out of myself.  I think it is down to me wanting to control situations.  However I felt like I wanted to join in with my friends and have a good night.  In the end by the time we got out and were dancing in the bars I had a good night and really enjoyed being out but it is still not something I will do happily.

At times I felt ok but my stomach did not agree and I had some major IBS like symptoms with cramping and just generally not feeling like eating much.  I think it is down to stress and worrying.  I have given up caffeine and bread to an extent which has helped a lot.  I am hoping that once I move out I will have more control over my diet and it will improve some more.  

How did I feel at the end of it?  Exhausted but I had an amazing weekend.  It did feel like I had survived something but all in all it had been a successful weekend.  I have more confidence in working with my anxieties.   

Seeing my friends again reminded me how I have people that love me and enjoy spending time with me.  I had not seen my friends for nearly 2 and half years plus it is hard for us to even catch up on the phone because we all live busy lives a few hours apart.  I know they should not be excuses but it is just how life goes but this weekend showed me no matter what these 2 girls will always be there for me and look after me.  Now I am looking forward to seeing everyone again at the wedding!

Hen do: My worst nightmare?  Not really when you have amazing friends xx

Out of the darkness and into the light it seems

After the positive post I wrote the other day I have a follow up to it as I have felt that in the last week I have made massive steps forward in so many ways.   

It feels the mist that descended when I came home nearly a year ago is finally lifting and I can see things much clearer.  Having things to look forward to like my new job, house and having amazing friends has lifted so much weight of my shoulders.  I have been having grief counselling as I know that was the first thing I needed to work on to be able to then tackle myself underneath.

Grief

It is a difficult thing to focus on.  To deal with, to live with.

I have cried more in the last few weeks then when my dad actually died.  I locked myself away when he died so that I could leave and go travelling like I had planned.  I needed physical and mental space to even start dealing with things that had happened over the last few years.

I have been having grief counselling and it has really helped as a place to talk about life now because of my Dad's death and remembering my Dad.  My Dad had such a sense of humour and fun and welcoming to everyone.  I miss so many things about him but do not wish him any day.  I get sad about the fact he will never be at my wedding to embarrass me to high heaven in his father of the brides speech.  However I do try to remember all the happy times and the opportunities he gave me.

It was always be there though that loss, that sadness.  

It is not selfish as my mum called him in an argument we had the other day.  The last thing I think is that he was selfish.  He was ill, very ill and I wish she had been more honest about the care he needed and when.  She says I just brush her away and I feel I can never talk to her about my Dad.  When I move into my new house I want to find some things or his and put some pictures up because I want to remember those happy times we had together.

Friends

I have some amazing friends.  Often it is not quantity of time known or spent together but quality of friendship.  I have been able to share with many more people about how I feel and to support me rather then just relying on one person like I was.  One person was there for me when my Dad died and I felt I could understand.  Eventually when I came home from travelling this was too much for one person to cope with my down days.  Now I have friends that I share my low feeling around with, I am more honest to not just them but myself as well.  That person who was there from the beginning of this is still there and I spent a lot of Sunday talking to him after quite a bad day on the Sunday.

Next steps

Through this process recently I feel that I can address myself with the next priority which really is not depression as much but my anxiety problems.  I have always been a worrier and started having panic attacks in 2006 but since becoming a teacher and a grown up it has become worse.  In the process of growing up I have then had hit after hit with life changes and then finally my Dad's death.  Over the last few weeks I have felt that anxiety more and more in terms of not sleeping, IBS like problems with my stomach and generally not wanting to do things.  Sometimes I will sit in the car for a few minutes when I get somewhere to psych myself up in a way.

Anxiety is part of me but I know there are better ways to cope with it.  Currently I use control and keeping busy with things to cope but these are both mentally and physically exhausting.  I am on medication as of this week and going through process to get more counselling or CBT to help me cope better with life.  I also want to pursue mindfulness and meditation on my own as well to help with my worry and negative thoughts at times.  I know I need this as though I am better at the minute I still feel fragile and worry if something else hits then I will be back where I was nearly a year ago.

The best thing:  I finally feel like me again for the time being.  The mist has been lifted and I can feel my life is in some order at the minute.

It's a dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good

My blog is positivity.  My blog is me and I am feeling good.

This is a classic song but it just sums up how I am feeling after the last week.  I am also using the song for a dance routine so it is going round and round in my head and the more it does the more it sums up how I feel at the minute.  The silver lining for many decisions that went against me in last few months is starting to show.  

It's a new dawn. it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good.

New job

I recently finally got a full time, permanent job working as a special needs teacher in a school for students with high functioning autism.  I cannot wait to start but have to wait for my criminal check first which is a bit of a pain but means I can just carry on with supply for now.  I have worked so hard to get this job and been so patient.  In many ways I am glad I did not get the job I was covering at my other school as it has become an OFSTED bubble in some ways at the minute.  This term only working 3 days a week supply has meant I can focus on me and get myself better.  I cannot wait for a fresh start and challenge at this school.

New house

Since coming back I have been living with mum and her boyfriend.  It is a toxic living situation is the only way to describe it as it makes me so miserable as the boyfriend lacks any sense of courtesy, communication or humour.  So since I have a new job coming I decided to move out now rather then wait for my friend to move out with.  She may join me once she has a new job.  This has made me so happy.  I have a space to cook, to work, to have friends over and most importantly to call my own.  It is only rented but I do not care.  I am going to move in with the basics and go from there as we have several second hand furniture stores round here.  I also want to get crafty and make things - been watching Kirsten's vintage home to get ideas.  Though if anyone has a corner sofa they would like to donate I would be most welcome.

Getting dancing, getting healthy

I had severe pneumonia in November and still I am not 100% but I am getting there.  I am back dancing and loving it.  It is such a release to express yourself creatively through movement.  I have also restarted pole dancing and back up to nearly full strength and starting to prepare for the show in June.  I am doing a solo to feeling good in it so got to start preparing that.

New summer plans

Now I am getting paid over the Summer I can start making plans.  I have ended up being an assistant leader on a guiding trip to take 4 girls on a route we plan through 3 countries in Europe.  They have done a lot of the fund raising and I met them today.  Plan at the minute is Paris, Barcelona, Madrid, Lisbon to them fly home and meet all the other teams in Birmingham for the presentation.  

I feel like life has moved round a massive corner and that it has actually felt like the light can be seen.  I have had a problem with drinking any alcohol in the last few months as it just makes me feel miserable but on Friday night I managed to have 3 ciders and have a really good night out with a friend.  

I am still single but I have so many friends to support me.  Recently I have shared my blog with more friends and they have all been really positive about it so it keeps motivating me to write.  I know I have people I can rely on and trust.  

So a man would be the icing on the cake but for now let's keep having some fun.