2013: A moment of reflection

So as is normal when a year finishes and a new one starts we take a valuable moment to stand back and reflect on how the year was.  Really we should take the opportunity more in our lives to do this but seeing as I want to restart writing my blog I take this opportunity to reflect on what 2013 meant to me.

Overall 2013 meant the year of getting better physically and mentally.

I started the year still ill from pneumonia and this took a good 6 months to get fully better from this awful illness.  I believe now that I had a cold and my body was under so much mental stress that my body tried to fight it and then gave up resulting in a massive illness, 5 days in hospital and a lot of recovery.  If it taught me something is that our health is so important both physical and mentally.

In February I finally got some grief counselling and started to deal with the death of my Dad this lifted my depression to expose my real problem of anxiety.  After this my Doctor finally diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder and I started taking anti depressants in March.  I do not feel ashamed of this because it allows me to live a functional. normal life and if you had a heart condition you would take medicine for it so why not mental health conditions?

I had my wisdom teeth out in March which was a sigh of relief and though a lot of anxiety was around it was so good to get the bastards out at the same time!

In March I got a full time teaching position at a school with children with high functioning Autism and challenging behaviour.  It has not been an easy ride the kids are challenging and the company I work for is too with a lot of frustration in the workplace.  However I love the job I do despite the risks and challenges.  I need to believe in myself more and with more self confidence I know my anxiety at work could be better.  I do not have anxiety because of my job and I don't want to be labelled as one of those teachers but I finally told my boss in September about my dad and my anxiety.

Getting a full time job also meant I could move out of the situation with my mum and her awful boyfriend.  I have my own house that I rent which is a safe place and has given me space and time to relax.  It is a challenge to afford it on my own but at the minute unless I knew the person well I wouldn't want to share.

Starting a new job also means new friends and those I have made have been amazing.  One lady G has helped with my sister's baby shower, took me in for Christmas day and all sorts of other things.  New and old friends have been a vital support for me and they are my family.

I also said goodbye to some friendships including the my ex boyfriend whose friendship I valued as he helped me through my Dad's death.  After blaming me for him cheating and that I don't try to help myself I knew I had to walk away.  I also dated someone new for the first time and told the guy about my anxiety within 2 weeks of meeting.  He decided after 6 weeks we were not compatible as a couple, I think he didn't want a relationship, but it has given me confidence to be me with someone.  I still feel I have too much baggage and too much for someone to cope with.

It is hard to sum up 2013 in one blog but these are the main points.  Of course there have been high and lows, holidays and many other amazing moments.  I end 2013 much happier and feeling better.  I have some very good friendships and support network.  I have goals and ambitions again and starting to feel like me again.  I know where I am at and I know where I want to be hopefully being positive is the start of 2014.

Its been a while so a photo post to start with

I am sorry it has been a while since I posted last and I am feeling the need to write again as we get closer to a new year and I reflect on 2013.

To start easy this is a photo post about my new love of crafting and sewing.  This are a few things I have made in the last few months all hand stitched as not got the hang of sewing machine again yet.

Needlecase made for myself 

Various items I have made from felt

Needlecase made for a friend's mum

Russian dolls

Jar of hearts

Bride and groom made for a cousins wedding

 A mushroom for my friend for her brithday but still not finished

Home sign made from a piece of felt I made from grey walsh wool then I drew the words to stitch on top.

I love doing craft as means I can sit and watch tv and do something to distract myself but also make very personal gifts and things for my house. 

3 years on and still missing Dad

Today it has been 3 years since my dad died.  

I miss him so, so much and wish he was still here in so many ways.  

The last time I saw my dad was Friday 1st October 2010.  I had gone to his house to grab a pair of shoes I had left and needed for a night out.  As usual I got the drive carefully from him and I was in a bad mood so didn't really say much back.  I wish I had said more or maybe just a little nicer on that last day.

They are not sure when he died as last time he was heard from was the Friday but he was not found until the Saturday.  He died from suicide as my dad was very ill with depression.  I have spoken about my own feelings about this many times and I am not angry but I do miss him.

I miss the fact he was so proud of me and my sister.  She is pregnant at the minute and he would be so happy to be a grandpa.  I miss the fact he cannot see what I am doing now and be there to tell me I am doing a good job as I don't hear it from mum.

I bought some sunflowers and I am not going to put them by a grave but enjoy them being in my house and seeing them.    

So this may be short and sweet but it is just a small message to my dad to say thank you for all you did and miss you so much.

Medication only part of the solution not the answer

About 4 months ago my doctor finally agreed to put me on medication for my anxiety level as it was just unbearable and stopping my every day life.  I have a love/hate relationship with the medication and recently moaned a lot about it to friends and people on twitter so I thought I would explain more about my thoughts and feelings and how being on medication makes me feel and what I have learnt.  

Last year I had a very depressive episode and when I finally got some grief counselling it lifted and exposed underneath the anxiety that has been building up really over the last 4 or 5 years.  I think reflecting back on my childhood I have always been an anxious person but always hidden it well which causes more anxiety.  Once I had done the grief counselling and gone back to my doctor I finally persuaded her to let me try some medication for it.  She prescribed my citlopram and started on a 10mg per day routine.

Now I got quite a lot of negative reaction from some friends.  Many were like are you sure you need to be on medication?  Are you sure it is the right idea and what about the side effects?  I hide my anxiety on a day to day basis and even though these friends knew I had had a hard time they still don't see all those worries that go round in my head.  I explained that at that time I was very anxious and that it effects my sleep, my eating, my speech and was giving me IBS through stress and worry.  Most once I explained this could see why maybe medication was a positive thing.

I have always known that medication is not the long term answer.  I had counselling when my parents split up and again round my Dad's death and I know it is a positive step for me.  Also I very much like talking things through and have also done some cognitive behaviour therapy programmes online.  I know that I need to do some of this therapy work rather then just rely on medication.  However getting these talking therapies on the NHS is a battle and a struggle.

I was asked to self refer myself back to the service I had tried to access last year.  Now asking someone who has anxiety disorder to self refer is really not the way to go about it.  Therefore I still have not done because I hate hate hate talking on the phone.  Also when I did this self referal last year I had to do a telephone appointment and through a very stressful process had no outcome.  They basically said we don't provide grief counselling and so I worry that there is no point to putting myself through this process again.  However my doctor is trying to see if I can access the counselling service at the surgery and if I can do that in evenings or on a Saturday.  I teach special needs and missing a morning or afternoon of every week would create so much more stress then it solves because the nature of my students.

Now all medication comes with side effects and I accept this.  I am quite happy to take medication if it is going to help me.  I think the benefits of taking citlopram is worth it because it means I can carry on with my normal life whilst waiting for another solution to help.  However I do not like taking it as I never know if how I feel is a side effect or just life.

A prime example of this is dreaming.  Now I have always been a dreamer; I can remember dreams from my childhood and still see them vividly.  However recently I have had so many dreams which I remember and unsettle me in the morning.  They are not good or bad dreams as such but they usually reflect something true to life and me.  They just put me in a weird mood for the day especially if I remember them for a while.  This recent dreaming could just be me but it could also be the medication.  

Other side effects include itchy skin but compared to the horrendous bed bug bites I got travelling it is a mild annoyance.  I also have at times insomnia and fatigue both of which could be life or medication.  One that I am very unsure of is the way I can feel very paranoid usually about friends and do they care for me and other feelings around trust.  

I am back at the doctor next week to discuss medication because of this paranoia and a few other things I have been feeling.  She possibly may put my dose up for now and hopefully she has had an answer back about counselling during out of hours.  

I know medication is only part of the solution and I need to seek help to use talking therapies and self care to find the bigger answer.  

My inner F1 geek

I love Formula 1.  

I was bought up on it rather then football or rugby.  I know it is a male dominated sport and fan base but scratch the surface and there are plenty of women involved.  I have been known to be around a friends house and get up at 7am to watch an early race.  When in Australia 2011 it was the Canadian race and I waited to watch it start at 2am.  I am a F1 geek. 

Now most of my female friends do not see the attraction or understand the sport more then it being about cars driving round a track.  Many might complain it is no longer about the driver and that it is more about having the best car.  Yes that is true but driving a F1 car is more then just having a fast car.  You need to understand the rules and the technical side of it.

My first grand prix to go to was the British for my 21st Birthday present in 2007.  I loved it the noise, the atmosphere is just incredible.  Yes it is different to watching it on the TV you do not get all the detail of the race but there is nothing like it.  I planned part of my travelling around going to the Malaysian race in 2011.  That was even more incredible because the tickets are cheap we had seats on the start/finish straight and the noise because of the track was even more incredible it sent tingles up your spine.  

Last year I went to the British again last year and was a very wet weekend but amazing none the less.  We had general admission tickets again and we some how managed to pick the spots on qualifying and race day where all the action was. 

An ex boyfriend also got me into Motogp and I do not follow it as closely but I still love it.  I went to the British race at Donnington and then again planned it so I was in Australia for the Phillip Island race in 2011.  It is more exciting at times because the bikes have added danger going side to side millimetres away from each other round the corners.  Moto 2 the lower series is even more exciting when I saw it in Australia.    

If I won the lottery I would love to spend a year just following the Formula 1 and Motogp around the world. I would love to see the race in Brazil as they are massive Forumla 1 fans and they know how to party!  

I will always support the Brits in the race but do have a soft spot for Webber and the under dogs of the lower teams.  It is great to see them win against the top dogs.  But do not mention Ferrari as we are definitely not fans in our house.  

Today is the Monaco race one of the most prestigious and one I would love to be at on a Yacht but for that I need some pennies!

So Formula 1 is one of my loves and passions and just a little bit of a F1 geek.  Will leave you with some photos.

British 2007 and meeting Johnny Herbet!

Malaysia 2011

 British 2012

Why I choose to learn pole dancing: No sleaze please

Since last July I have learnt to dance.  Pole dance to be specific.

Now for most people this conjures up the image of gentlemen clubs of women in barely anything writhing around to please the paying man.

Learning pole for fitness is a completely different kettle of fish.

I had tried pole dance a few years ago but due to finance and a teacher I did not really like I gave up thinking I was not strong enough or ever be able to do it.  When I came back from travelling I put on a lot of weight and wanted to get healthier.  I hate the gym I get bored easily and lose the willingness to go very quickly.  I love to dance I have dance in so many different styles since I was 4 years old.  I studied contemporary dance at university and love the way it makes me feel.

I started at this dance studio just doing the hula class which I did really enjoy and just caught the sight of some of the pole classes starting as I finished so I got the guts to try a beginner course at the same studio.  All the classes at this studio are open level so to help participate it is advised to have a beginner course first to get the basics.   I have been hooked ever since due to the challenge and feeling it gives me.

When I started I had barely any upper body strength at all.  Some of the girls could do the more strength dependant moves straight away but I have always been good at spins.  Even now I try to focus on what I can do and draw inspiration from the other girls as everyone is different and every person has a different body.  I stuck at it and slowly by keeping going I was able to start seeing progress.  The first time I climbed up to the top and then the next week get upside made me feel on top of the world.

Despite the rather unsightly bruises and sore muscles it gives I love that space for an hour each week to push myself to the max mentally and physically.  Pole is a lot about trusting your own body to do what you know it can do.  Yes it can be dangerous but so is life and a good teacher only teaches what she think you can do.  Build the skills and strength up slowly at your own pace.  I got bored of Zumba after a few weeks because I can dance already but pole dancing is just a challenge every week to get the new trick or move or to combine movements.

The realisation after a few weeks of working on something and finally getting it or even better finding it is getting easier is one of the best feelings.  Knowing that nearly a year ago I could not even climb up part way of the pole and now I can just climb to the top.

Another good point is the ladies in my studio.  There is such a mix in ages, sizes, background and ability that it makes such a community.  Due to the classes being drop in I often change about classes depending on the week and how I am feeling.  No matter what class I go to everyone is so friendly and encouraging and shares in your successes.  I may not see them outside of pole but it is great to feel welcomed and valued.

My next challenge is to do the pole dance studio's show 2 weeks on Friday.  I am doing a solo to 'Felling Good' by Muse.  Putting the routine together has not been too much of a challenge but getting through it requires stamina I never thought I had.  I cannot wait to perform it and show everyone how well I have done in a year and it lets me get back into performing which I miss so much from university.

The negative side though is the comments I get from some people and particularly men.  Do you know what I think though?  They are the ones made nervous by the fact women (and men if they choose to) can go and do a fitness class which is hard work and demanding like no other.  Just look through youtube at some of the amazing routines men and women can do.    Once you start you realise how easy people make it look.  One of my friends I showed the video too said that 'she didn't realise how graceful and gymnastic like it was'.

So I tend to my bruises with pride knowing how much strength, flexibility and confidence it needs to try and succeed in pole dance.  It is something I intend on doing for a very long time just never in a sleazy bar for a man.  It is for me and me alone!

I had a photoshoot the other week as part of the studio and will post a picture at some point if any good!


 

The issue of trust

Trust.  

It is something we cannot see but is vital in our relationships with friends, partners and families.

It is something that takes a long time to build but very little to destroy.

It is something I am trying to teach my students in my class who have autism everyday.

It is something I crave to give me stability, security and safety.

It is something that effects me every day and I want to discuss how it effects my every day well being.

First of all the complexity of trust in relationships and friendships. 

Last September something rocked my relationship that I was in at the time.  I had been with the man for over 2 years however it was hard to describe the relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend as I spent a lot of the time we were together was whilst I was away travelling.  However we were close.  He had supported me through my Dad's death even though he had only known me for 5 months before hand.  During the time after I returned from travelling he had supported me through a bleak time and we were just becoming closer again.

That was until the end of September when he was up for one of my friends birthdays.  He said he had something to tell me and on the Sunday our relationship came to an abrupt halt due to him cheating on me.  Not only that he had not even been an adult about it and she was now pregnant.  In days after I forgave him and accepted it, there is too much anger and hurt already in the world to tear myself up over one mistake.    We have remained friends for a time and it is going through a rocky patch at the minute and we shall see how things go.  

Until recently I thought this break of trust was something I had got over.  Instead meeting someone new who I liked has put this issue of trust at the forefront again and it is a constant struggle for me now.  When me and this new guy, I will call him B, started getting closer I was so hesitant because I had been so hurt in the past.  I knew I would have to open my heart again to be able to let someone in even just as a friend but that felt a massive step to take. 

When I told my close friends originally about my Dad's death I had some very unsupportive comments.  One of my close friends, who I had waited 2 days to tell her before I rang her due to her being on holiday, replied with the comment 'Are you joking?'.  Like I would joke about my own Dad's suicide?  Ever since then I have always been hesitant about telling people about my Dad and not only what happened but my own reaction in that I accept his death and understand he is at peace now.  Even my own sister tells people that Dad died in a car crash rather then explain the complexities of suicide to people who have no understanding.  

With the my ex he understood what I had been through and I trusted him so much because of that.  I thought no one new would ever understand how I felt about my Dad's death or be able to support me like he had.  I felt I had baggage that was too big for anyone else to understand and accept.  I felt like I was damaged goods in some ways.  However after we split up and meeting new people who have had experience with depression I have begun to trust again and talk more openly.  I started trusting people again that they would understand and not judge me for what had happened and my views on it.  I have told B I feel like damaged goods and he says truthfully that I am not and it is just life experiences.  

How did I trust B with how I feel and why do I open up to him?  I do not know but he was the first person at my last work place that I even told about my Dad's death and circumstances.  He knew that I was in grief counselling and why.  I have trusted him, like I did today. to talk about certain things around my last break up and my Dad's death that I have never talked about before with anyone.  He said a few weeks ago that I take care and worry about so many people that he is there to look after me and to relax me.  I find it easy at times to open up knowing I will not be judged but it is still hard at times to trust fully.

Yesterday I had a very paranoid moment.  I do not know if it was down to not taking my medication or just the circumstance of the days but I just felt on edge with this new friendship in some ways.  In the end it was completely unfounded on my part but it just bought to me the awareness of how my trust in people is on a knife edge.  I have that paranoia at times and it is hard to get it out of my head. 

   

Secondly my relationship with my mum is where trust is a major issue and effects my life on a daily basis. 

Me and my mum have never had a close relationship.  I know I could go to her if I was in trouble but I would only tell her personal things if I felt I had to rather then wanted to.  I have never had that share everything with my mum kind of relationship and I am becoming more and more aware why this is and it is down to trust.  I tell her what she needs to know.

It comes down to the fact I do not trust my Mum fully.  I expect to be judged in a usually negative way for any action I do.  Even simple things like cleaning.  When I was living with her and her partner I did not help that much with the cleaning because I knew no matter how much effort I put into it I would always get criticised and it would never be good enough for my Mum.   

  

I do not speak to her about my Dad because I just do not expect her to understand and to trust she will just listen. In the middle of an argument on Mother's Day she described what my Dad did as selfish which is the opposite of what I have ever thought.  One Christmas before my Dad died she criticised him for being a bad father on Christmas day and really the only people that can judge that is me and my sister.

She does support me in things I do and what I aim for in life but I try to not rely on her 100% for emotional support and one reason of that is of her relationship with a man who cannot even be civil to me even after living with him for a year.  A man that left me out of my Mum's birthday and never apologised.  A man who swore and shouted at me over minor things but yet that is ok in my Mum's eyes.  All the time whilst I lived at home Mum said I should try harder and make more effort even though she knew how hurt I was by all this.  In the end it does come down partly to the fact that me and my Mum are very different people and as adults we just do not get on at times.  

Now I have my own house I have more security, stability and safety because I never felt like that living with my Mum and her partner.  I did not realise until I moved out 3 weeks ago how much fear I lived in day in, day out.  Me and my Mum are repairing our relationship slowly but I do not think we will ever have a close relationship like other people and I envy that at times.

I am starting to trust again and put measures in place to do so but it still takes a massive effort at times to reduce my anxieties.  All I know is in the last year I have made some very good friends who I can start to trust and open up to.  That I have strategies in place to deal with this but my trust is still very delicate.       

  

My birthday: The start of a new chapter

Today I have turned 27 years old and there is not just that to celebrate.  Just over 1 year ago I returned from travelling to a very turbulent and hard time in my life.  It has probably been the hardest time in my life and I have had some very low points in the last year.

However, instead of focusing on all that negative I choose to focus on the positive and I always try to do that with my blog.  Its has been hard to blog the last week or so having no internet and have used twitter a lot and will continue so follow me on there @adandelionmind.

I have so much to celebrate on this weekend and here is a little list:

1. I have moved into my own place 

2. I have started a new job teaching a difficult special needs class but starting to love my class

3. I have managed to overcome so much in the last year to show me I am a confident and strong lady

4. I had a chat with my sister and made a reconnection to build a more positive relationship

5. I have some amazing friends who love me dearly

6. I have met someone new who I feel really likes me and I like him

In all this weekend I feel like a very lucky girl.

This weekend - my birthday.

Due to having my new place I decided to have friends from all over to come and stay at mine.  Yesterday one of my friends from uni came over earlier and we did a little shopping and catching up.   Back at my house I baked my favourite muffins and then cooked Chilli Con Carne with rice and nachos for everyone.  I had 6 friends from different parts of my life: Uni, teaching and Guiding.  It was so lovely to have people over and enjoy spending time with them because they were there for me.

After dinner we got ready and got a taxi into Nottingham.  I love going out into Nottingham.  It has something for everyone, wear pretty much anything and do not have to walk far to get from one bar to the next.  The five bars we went into had music from current songs to blues to rock to 90's music to salsa.  We did not dance as much as what I wanted but it was great to be out and having an amazing time.  I was not even really worried about drinking of which I had a lot of cocktails last night. 

Today we got up and I cooked bacon and egg sandwiches for breakfast as such a good breakfast after being out.  Was not too hungover just tired really as had not gone to bed until 4am.  We went to a pub I really like that does some lovely food and was my choice for my birthday lunch.  My mum has popped round after my friends left and was pretty flat and I am trying to not get upset by her lack of love shown through emotion.  She shows her love through money which I really hate but that is the way she is.

I have felt very lucky with my friends being here as they were all here for me.  I feel valued and worthy of having people that care for me.  I had such fun with them and felt like this is the start of something new and so exciting.  My friends are my family because as a family we are not close and I do not open up to my mum.  The ups and downs of last year seem to be disappearing.  The worry of going back to being so ill and depressed is even going.  I do not worry half as much as I used to.  Having my own place I no longer live in fear.  I know I still have anxiety issues and I am still taking medication for that but I feel like I have made a huge jump in the last two weeks.

So here is a drink for me (a lovely handmade cosmo in my favourite cocktail bar). To an amazing birthday, best friends I could have and the start of hopefully a much better year. 

   

Out of the darkness and into the light it seems

After the positive post I wrote the other day I have a follow up to it as I have felt that in the last week I have made massive steps forward in so many ways.   

It feels the mist that descended when I came home nearly a year ago is finally lifting and I can see things much clearer.  Having things to look forward to like my new job, house and having amazing friends has lifted so much weight of my shoulders.  I have been having grief counselling as I know that was the first thing I needed to work on to be able to then tackle myself underneath.

Grief

It is a difficult thing to focus on.  To deal with, to live with.

I have cried more in the last few weeks then when my dad actually died.  I locked myself away when he died so that I could leave and go travelling like I had planned.  I needed physical and mental space to even start dealing with things that had happened over the last few years.

I have been having grief counselling and it has really helped as a place to talk about life now because of my Dad's death and remembering my Dad.  My Dad had such a sense of humour and fun and welcoming to everyone.  I miss so many things about him but do not wish him any day.  I get sad about the fact he will never be at my wedding to embarrass me to high heaven in his father of the brides speech.  However I do try to remember all the happy times and the opportunities he gave me.

It was always be there though that loss, that sadness.  

It is not selfish as my mum called him in an argument we had the other day.  The last thing I think is that he was selfish.  He was ill, very ill and I wish she had been more honest about the care he needed and when.  She says I just brush her away and I feel I can never talk to her about my Dad.  When I move into my new house I want to find some things or his and put some pictures up because I want to remember those happy times we had together.

Friends

I have some amazing friends.  Often it is not quantity of time known or spent together but quality of friendship.  I have been able to share with many more people about how I feel and to support me rather then just relying on one person like I was.  One person was there for me when my Dad died and I felt I could understand.  Eventually when I came home from travelling this was too much for one person to cope with my down days.  Now I have friends that I share my low feeling around with, I am more honest to not just them but myself as well.  That person who was there from the beginning of this is still there and I spent a lot of Sunday talking to him after quite a bad day on the Sunday.

Next steps

Through this process recently I feel that I can address myself with the next priority which really is not depression as much but my anxiety problems.  I have always been a worrier and started having panic attacks in 2006 but since becoming a teacher and a grown up it has become worse.  In the process of growing up I have then had hit after hit with life changes and then finally my Dad's death.  Over the last few weeks I have felt that anxiety more and more in terms of not sleeping, IBS like problems with my stomach and generally not wanting to do things.  Sometimes I will sit in the car for a few minutes when I get somewhere to psych myself up in a way.

Anxiety is part of me but I know there are better ways to cope with it.  Currently I use control and keeping busy with things to cope but these are both mentally and physically exhausting.  I am on medication as of this week and going through process to get more counselling or CBT to help me cope better with life.  I also want to pursue mindfulness and meditation on my own as well to help with my worry and negative thoughts at times.  I know I need this as though I am better at the minute I still feel fragile and worry if something else hits then I will be back where I was nearly a year ago.

The best thing:  I finally feel like me again for the time being.  The mist has been lifted and I can feel my life is in some order at the minute.

My life at the moment

I know it has been a while since I posted last and I have got new blog posts in the pipeline but instead thought I would update you on some current developments in my life.  These are mainly positive really keeping in the spirit of onwards and upwards.

1. New job

Since coming back from travelling I have been working as a supply teacher.  This has its pros and cons.  The main pro is that I turn up to school do the job and go home. The con is that do not get paid for holidays, sickness or when there is no work about.  Luckily I had a full time cover from May to December in a special needs school being a class teacher.  This was great but when I did not get the full time post in the same class gutted was not enough to describe how I felt.  

I have been applying for a couple of jobs that have come up and finally got an interview which went really well and got the job.  It is working in a special needs school for high functioning autistic students aged 8 to 19 years.  I cannot wait.  It is going to be a massive challenge and sad leaving my current school but I am so excited.  Especially as means being paid through long summer holidays and can plan to do a holiday and some dance related things.  

2. Scotland holiday

Over half term I went to visit a couple of friends in Edinburgh and St Andrews.  Had some really nice days and spent most of the time sleeping, eating, shopping and catching up.  It got really cold by the end of the week but it was great to see people and not worry about work.

3. Wisdom teeth

I had my pre op assessment this week and my operation to have my wisdom teeth out is all scheduled and due to go ahead in a few weeks time.  I cannot wait to get them out as they are causing me so much pain at the minute.  I get frequent headaches and pain in my neck and ears.  

Please follow on my twitter as I am getting used to it more and do post things up more regularly.  Let me know if want me to talk about anything in particular or about my life.  I am more then just a person with depression or left without a Dad.  Will share about life in general again soon but keep a look out for new posts soon.