After the positive post I wrote the other day I have a follow up to it as I have felt that in the last week I have made massive steps forward in so many ways.
It feels the mist that descended when I came home nearly a year ago is finally lifting and I can see things much clearer. Having things to look forward to like my new job, house and having amazing friends has lifted so much weight of my shoulders. I have been having grief counselling as I know that was the first thing I needed to work on to be able to then tackle myself underneath.
Grief
It is a difficult thing to focus on. To deal with, to live with.
I have cried more in the last few weeks then when my dad actually died. I locked myself away when he died so that I could leave and go travelling like I had planned. I needed physical and mental space to even start dealing with things that had happened over the last few years.
I have been having grief counselling and it has really helped as a place to talk about life now because of my Dad's death and remembering my Dad. My Dad had such a sense of humour and fun and welcoming to everyone. I miss so many things about him but do not wish him any day. I get sad about the fact he will never be at my wedding to embarrass me to high heaven in his father of the brides speech. However I do try to remember all the happy times and the opportunities he gave me.
It was always be there though that loss, that sadness.
It is not selfish as my mum called him in an argument we had the other day. The last thing I think is that he was selfish. He was ill, very ill and I wish she had been more honest about the care he needed and when. She says I just brush her away and I feel I can never talk to her about my Dad. When I move into my new house I want to find some things or his and put some pictures up because I want to remember those happy times we had together.
Friends
I have some amazing friends. Often it is not quantity of time known or spent together but quality of friendship. I have been able to share with many more people about how I feel and to support me rather then just relying on one person like I was. One person was there for me when my Dad died and I felt I could understand. Eventually when I came home from travelling this was too much for one person to cope with my down days. Now I have friends that I share my low feeling around with, I am more honest to not just them but myself as well. That person who was there from the beginning of this is still there and I spent a lot of Sunday talking to him after quite a bad day on the Sunday.
Next steps
Through this process recently I feel that I can address myself with the next priority which really is not depression as much but my anxiety problems. I have always been a worrier and started having panic attacks in 2006 but since becoming a teacher and a grown up it has become worse. In the process of growing up I have then had hit after hit with life changes and then finally my Dad's death. Over the last few weeks I have felt that anxiety more and more in terms of not sleeping, IBS like problems with my stomach and generally not wanting to do things. Sometimes I will sit in the car for a few minutes when I get somewhere to psych myself up in a way.
Anxiety is part of me but I know there are better ways to cope with it. Currently I use control and keeping busy with things to cope but these are both mentally and physically exhausting. I am on medication as of this week and going through process to get more counselling or CBT to help me cope better with life. I also want to pursue mindfulness and meditation on my own as well to help with my worry and negative thoughts at times. I know I need this as though I am better at the minute I still feel fragile and worry if something else hits then I will be back where I was nearly a year ago.
The best thing: I finally feel like me again for the time being. The mist has been lifted and I can feel my life is in some order at the minute.
Grief
It is a difficult thing to focus on. To deal with, to live with.
I have cried more in the last few weeks then when my dad actually died. I locked myself away when he died so that I could leave and go travelling like I had planned. I needed physical and mental space to even start dealing with things that had happened over the last few years.
I have been having grief counselling and it has really helped as a place to talk about life now because of my Dad's death and remembering my Dad. My Dad had such a sense of humour and fun and welcoming to everyone. I miss so many things about him but do not wish him any day. I get sad about the fact he will never be at my wedding to embarrass me to high heaven in his father of the brides speech. However I do try to remember all the happy times and the opportunities he gave me.
It was always be there though that loss, that sadness.
It is not selfish as my mum called him in an argument we had the other day. The last thing I think is that he was selfish. He was ill, very ill and I wish she had been more honest about the care he needed and when. She says I just brush her away and I feel I can never talk to her about my Dad. When I move into my new house I want to find some things or his and put some pictures up because I want to remember those happy times we had together.
Friends
I have some amazing friends. Often it is not quantity of time known or spent together but quality of friendship. I have been able to share with many more people about how I feel and to support me rather then just relying on one person like I was. One person was there for me when my Dad died and I felt I could understand. Eventually when I came home from travelling this was too much for one person to cope with my down days. Now I have friends that I share my low feeling around with, I am more honest to not just them but myself as well. That person who was there from the beginning of this is still there and I spent a lot of Sunday talking to him after quite a bad day on the Sunday.
Next steps
Through this process recently I feel that I can address myself with the next priority which really is not depression as much but my anxiety problems. I have always been a worrier and started having panic attacks in 2006 but since becoming a teacher and a grown up it has become worse. In the process of growing up I have then had hit after hit with life changes and then finally my Dad's death. Over the last few weeks I have felt that anxiety more and more in terms of not sleeping, IBS like problems with my stomach and generally not wanting to do things. Sometimes I will sit in the car for a few minutes when I get somewhere to psych myself up in a way.
Anxiety is part of me but I know there are better ways to cope with it. Currently I use control and keeping busy with things to cope but these are both mentally and physically exhausting. I am on medication as of this week and going through process to get more counselling or CBT to help me cope better with life. I also want to pursue mindfulness and meditation on my own as well to help with my worry and negative thoughts at times. I know I need this as though I am better at the minute I still feel fragile and worry if something else hits then I will be back where I was nearly a year ago.
The best thing: I finally feel like me again for the time being. The mist has been lifted and I can feel my life is in some order at the minute.
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