2013: A moment of reflection

So as is normal when a year finishes and a new one starts we take a valuable moment to stand back and reflect on how the year was.  Really we should take the opportunity more in our lives to do this but seeing as I want to restart writing my blog I take this opportunity to reflect on what 2013 meant to me.

Overall 2013 meant the year of getting better physically and mentally.

I started the year still ill from pneumonia and this took a good 6 months to get fully better from this awful illness.  I believe now that I had a cold and my body was under so much mental stress that my body tried to fight it and then gave up resulting in a massive illness, 5 days in hospital and a lot of recovery.  If it taught me something is that our health is so important both physical and mentally.

In February I finally got some grief counselling and started to deal with the death of my Dad this lifted my depression to expose my real problem of anxiety.  After this my Doctor finally diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder and I started taking anti depressants in March.  I do not feel ashamed of this because it allows me to live a functional. normal life and if you had a heart condition you would take medicine for it so why not mental health conditions?

I had my wisdom teeth out in March which was a sigh of relief and though a lot of anxiety was around it was so good to get the bastards out at the same time!

In March I got a full time teaching position at a school with children with high functioning Autism and challenging behaviour.  It has not been an easy ride the kids are challenging and the company I work for is too with a lot of frustration in the workplace.  However I love the job I do despite the risks and challenges.  I need to believe in myself more and with more self confidence I know my anxiety at work could be better.  I do not have anxiety because of my job and I don't want to be labelled as one of those teachers but I finally told my boss in September about my dad and my anxiety.

Getting a full time job also meant I could move out of the situation with my mum and her awful boyfriend.  I have my own house that I rent which is a safe place and has given me space and time to relax.  It is a challenge to afford it on my own but at the minute unless I knew the person well I wouldn't want to share.

Starting a new job also means new friends and those I have made have been amazing.  One lady G has helped with my sister's baby shower, took me in for Christmas day and all sorts of other things.  New and old friends have been a vital support for me and they are my family.

I also said goodbye to some friendships including the my ex boyfriend whose friendship I valued as he helped me through my Dad's death.  After blaming me for him cheating and that I don't try to help myself I knew I had to walk away.  I also dated someone new for the first time and told the guy about my anxiety within 2 weeks of meeting.  He decided after 6 weeks we were not compatible as a couple, I think he didn't want a relationship, but it has given me confidence to be me with someone.  I still feel I have too much baggage and too much for someone to cope with.

It is hard to sum up 2013 in one blog but these are the main points.  Of course there have been high and lows, holidays and many other amazing moments.  I end 2013 much happier and feeling better.  I have some very good friendships and support network.  I have goals and ambitions again and starting to feel like me again.  I know where I am at and I know where I want to be hopefully being positive is the start of 2014.

3 years on and still missing Dad

Today it has been 3 years since my dad died.  

I miss him so, so much and wish he was still here in so many ways.  

The last time I saw my dad was Friday 1st October 2010.  I had gone to his house to grab a pair of shoes I had left and needed for a night out.  As usual I got the drive carefully from him and I was in a bad mood so didn't really say much back.  I wish I had said more or maybe just a little nicer on that last day.

They are not sure when he died as last time he was heard from was the Friday but he was not found until the Saturday.  He died from suicide as my dad was very ill with depression.  I have spoken about my own feelings about this many times and I am not angry but I do miss him.

I miss the fact he was so proud of me and my sister.  She is pregnant at the minute and he would be so happy to be a grandpa.  I miss the fact he cannot see what I am doing now and be there to tell me I am doing a good job as I don't hear it from mum.

I bought some sunflowers and I am not going to put them by a grave but enjoy them being in my house and seeing them.    

So this may be short and sweet but it is just a small message to my dad to say thank you for all you did and miss you so much.

New travels, Girlguiding and an update

Right first of all an apology that I have abandoned writing in the last couple of months.  Things have been a bit mad at school with my autistic class.  I love them to bits but they are very challenging and getting to the end of term I was not very well and just generally tired.

So as an apology my post is going to be about my most recent travels with a trip to Europe.  

I am a member of Girlguiding and have been a Rainbow and Guide leader in the past.  If you have no idea what I am on about visit the website for more information.  When I came back from travelling I moved to a new area so didn't have a group and I still do not.  I applied for selection for another trip but did not get it but was quite glad as I was then very ill.  But like always there is a silver lining to everything.  I got an email about a group that needed an assistant leader for a group that were doing a challenge called Jailbreak.  Jailbreak essentially is a challenge to travel across Europe, visiting at least 3 countries and completing other challenges to be back in the UK 8 days later.  14 teams of 6 - 8 members aged 14 to 26 year old women competed in it this year.  However if the group was under 18 it needed 2 leaders to be responsible so that is where I come in.

I had an amazing time.  The itinerary was as follows:

27th July: Flew from Liverpool to Barcelona

2 nights in Barcelona

Train from Barcelona to Madrid.  Just the afternoon in Madrid

Overnight train from Madrid to Lisbon

2 nights in Lisbon staying in an amazing apartment

Flew from Lisbon to Paris 

2 nights in Paris

Then flew back to Birmingham on 3rd August.

I did not know the group I went with until I met them in February and they were amazing.  The girls aged 15 to 18 years old did not argue or fall out or cause any stress.  They were such a pleasure to be with even though one had never flown or been abroad until then.  It was the first time I had taken girls away and it was such an incredible experience.

My anxiety was a lot less and I think that is the reason that returning home last year was such a hard time.  I have had problems with my stomach mainly as I have eaten a lot and not really watched what I have eaten.  Plus I did not take my vitamins and probiotics so think that might have made a difference.

Anyway here are a selection of photos to show you.  Hopefully as it is summer holidays I can blog a bit more frequently!

Medication only part of the solution not the answer

About 4 months ago my doctor finally agreed to put me on medication for my anxiety level as it was just unbearable and stopping my every day life.  I have a love/hate relationship with the medication and recently moaned a lot about it to friends and people on twitter so I thought I would explain more about my thoughts and feelings and how being on medication makes me feel and what I have learnt.  

Last year I had a very depressive episode and when I finally got some grief counselling it lifted and exposed underneath the anxiety that has been building up really over the last 4 or 5 years.  I think reflecting back on my childhood I have always been an anxious person but always hidden it well which causes more anxiety.  Once I had done the grief counselling and gone back to my doctor I finally persuaded her to let me try some medication for it.  She prescribed my citlopram and started on a 10mg per day routine.

Now I got quite a lot of negative reaction from some friends.  Many were like are you sure you need to be on medication?  Are you sure it is the right idea and what about the side effects?  I hide my anxiety on a day to day basis and even though these friends knew I had had a hard time they still don't see all those worries that go round in my head.  I explained that at that time I was very anxious and that it effects my sleep, my eating, my speech and was giving me IBS through stress and worry.  Most once I explained this could see why maybe medication was a positive thing.

I have always known that medication is not the long term answer.  I had counselling when my parents split up and again round my Dad's death and I know it is a positive step for me.  Also I very much like talking things through and have also done some cognitive behaviour therapy programmes online.  I know that I need to do some of this therapy work rather then just rely on medication.  However getting these talking therapies on the NHS is a battle and a struggle.

I was asked to self refer myself back to the service I had tried to access last year.  Now asking someone who has anxiety disorder to self refer is really not the way to go about it.  Therefore I still have not done because I hate hate hate talking on the phone.  Also when I did this self referal last year I had to do a telephone appointment and through a very stressful process had no outcome.  They basically said we don't provide grief counselling and so I worry that there is no point to putting myself through this process again.  However my doctor is trying to see if I can access the counselling service at the surgery and if I can do that in evenings or on a Saturday.  I teach special needs and missing a morning or afternoon of every week would create so much more stress then it solves because the nature of my students.

Now all medication comes with side effects and I accept this.  I am quite happy to take medication if it is going to help me.  I think the benefits of taking citlopram is worth it because it means I can carry on with my normal life whilst waiting for another solution to help.  However I do not like taking it as I never know if how I feel is a side effect or just life.

A prime example of this is dreaming.  Now I have always been a dreamer; I can remember dreams from my childhood and still see them vividly.  However recently I have had so many dreams which I remember and unsettle me in the morning.  They are not good or bad dreams as such but they usually reflect something true to life and me.  They just put me in a weird mood for the day especially if I remember them for a while.  This recent dreaming could just be me but it could also be the medication.  

Other side effects include itchy skin but compared to the horrendous bed bug bites I got travelling it is a mild annoyance.  I also have at times insomnia and fatigue both of which could be life or medication.  One that I am very unsure of is the way I can feel very paranoid usually about friends and do they care for me and other feelings around trust.  

I am back at the doctor next week to discuss medication because of this paranoia and a few other things I have been feeling.  She possibly may put my dose up for now and hopefully she has had an answer back about counselling during out of hours.  

I know medication is only part of the solution and I need to seek help to use talking therapies and self care to find the bigger answer.  

My inner F1 geek

I love Formula 1.  

I was bought up on it rather then football or rugby.  I know it is a male dominated sport and fan base but scratch the surface and there are plenty of women involved.  I have been known to be around a friends house and get up at 7am to watch an early race.  When in Australia 2011 it was the Canadian race and I waited to watch it start at 2am.  I am a F1 geek. 

Now most of my female friends do not see the attraction or understand the sport more then it being about cars driving round a track.  Many might complain it is no longer about the driver and that it is more about having the best car.  Yes that is true but driving a F1 car is more then just having a fast car.  You need to understand the rules and the technical side of it.

My first grand prix to go to was the British for my 21st Birthday present in 2007.  I loved it the noise, the atmosphere is just incredible.  Yes it is different to watching it on the TV you do not get all the detail of the race but there is nothing like it.  I planned part of my travelling around going to the Malaysian race in 2011.  That was even more incredible because the tickets are cheap we had seats on the start/finish straight and the noise because of the track was even more incredible it sent tingles up your spine.  

Last year I went to the British again last year and was a very wet weekend but amazing none the less.  We had general admission tickets again and we some how managed to pick the spots on qualifying and race day where all the action was. 

An ex boyfriend also got me into Motogp and I do not follow it as closely but I still love it.  I went to the British race at Donnington and then again planned it so I was in Australia for the Phillip Island race in 2011.  It is more exciting at times because the bikes have added danger going side to side millimetres away from each other round the corners.  Moto 2 the lower series is even more exciting when I saw it in Australia.    

If I won the lottery I would love to spend a year just following the Formula 1 and Motogp around the world. I would love to see the race in Brazil as they are massive Forumla 1 fans and they know how to party!  

I will always support the Brits in the race but do have a soft spot for Webber and the under dogs of the lower teams.  It is great to see them win against the top dogs.  But do not mention Ferrari as we are definitely not fans in our house.  

Today is the Monaco race one of the most prestigious and one I would love to be at on a Yacht but for that I need some pennies!

So Formula 1 is one of my loves and passions and just a little bit of a F1 geek.  Will leave you with some photos.

British 2007 and meeting Johnny Herbet!

Malaysia 2011

 British 2012

Hen do: My worst nightmare?

Last weekend was one of my close friends from university's hen do.  Now I was excited to go as not seen the Hen or another close friend for over 2 and half a years.  Plus I needed a weekend away from home but why consider it my worst nightmare?  Because it was full of things that push every anxiety I have at the minute all combined into one weekend.

My anxieties/problems:

• Big group of people
• People I did not know and they did not know my background
• Alcohol and pressure to drink 
• Being round loud drunk people
• Fancy dress and feeling stupid 
• Insomnia and not sleeping 
• IBS like symptoms due to stress 

Alcohol is one major anxiety I have around new people.  I knew it would not be a massive 'thing' as the Hen does not drink but I still find it hard.  I have a very fine line between happy drunk and miserable drunk which was one place I did not want to be on my friends hen do.  Explaining why I do not drink without going into for people I did not know was hard and some people still didn't understand how you can go out and have a good time without drinking.  When we were having a night in and doing PJ party or murder mystery I was alright drinking then as I felt safe.  I was in control of the situation and people would not really notice if you were drinking wine or shloer.   

I find fancy dress really stressful because I hate to look stupid, feel stupid or take the mick out of myself.  I think it is down to me wanting to control situations.  However I felt like I wanted to join in with my friends and have a good night.  In the end by the time we got out and were dancing in the bars I had a good night and really enjoyed being out but it is still not something I will do happily.

At times I felt ok but my stomach did not agree and I had some major IBS like symptoms with cramping and just generally not feeling like eating much.  I think it is down to stress and worrying.  I have given up caffeine and bread to an extent which has helped a lot.  I am hoping that once I move out I will have more control over my diet and it will improve some more.  

How did I feel at the end of it?  Exhausted but I had an amazing weekend.  It did feel like I had survived something but all in all it had been a successful weekend.  I have more confidence in working with my anxieties.   

Seeing my friends again reminded me how I have people that love me and enjoy spending time with me.  I had not seen my friends for nearly 2 and half years plus it is hard for us to even catch up on the phone because we all live busy lives a few hours apart.  I know they should not be excuses but it is just how life goes but this weekend showed me no matter what these 2 girls will always be there for me and look after me.  Now I am looking forward to seeing everyone again at the wedding!

Hen do: My worst nightmare?  Not really when you have amazing friends xx

Out of the darkness and into the light it seems

After the positive post I wrote the other day I have a follow up to it as I have felt that in the last week I have made massive steps forward in so many ways.   

It feels the mist that descended when I came home nearly a year ago is finally lifting and I can see things much clearer.  Having things to look forward to like my new job, house and having amazing friends has lifted so much weight of my shoulders.  I have been having grief counselling as I know that was the first thing I needed to work on to be able to then tackle myself underneath.

Grief

It is a difficult thing to focus on.  To deal with, to live with.

I have cried more in the last few weeks then when my dad actually died.  I locked myself away when he died so that I could leave and go travelling like I had planned.  I needed physical and mental space to even start dealing with things that had happened over the last few years.

I have been having grief counselling and it has really helped as a place to talk about life now because of my Dad's death and remembering my Dad.  My Dad had such a sense of humour and fun and welcoming to everyone.  I miss so many things about him but do not wish him any day.  I get sad about the fact he will never be at my wedding to embarrass me to high heaven in his father of the brides speech.  However I do try to remember all the happy times and the opportunities he gave me.

It was always be there though that loss, that sadness.  

It is not selfish as my mum called him in an argument we had the other day.  The last thing I think is that he was selfish.  He was ill, very ill and I wish she had been more honest about the care he needed and when.  She says I just brush her away and I feel I can never talk to her about my Dad.  When I move into my new house I want to find some things or his and put some pictures up because I want to remember those happy times we had together.

Friends

I have some amazing friends.  Often it is not quantity of time known or spent together but quality of friendship.  I have been able to share with many more people about how I feel and to support me rather then just relying on one person like I was.  One person was there for me when my Dad died and I felt I could understand.  Eventually when I came home from travelling this was too much for one person to cope with my down days.  Now I have friends that I share my low feeling around with, I am more honest to not just them but myself as well.  That person who was there from the beginning of this is still there and I spent a lot of Sunday talking to him after quite a bad day on the Sunday.

Next steps

Through this process recently I feel that I can address myself with the next priority which really is not depression as much but my anxiety problems.  I have always been a worrier and started having panic attacks in 2006 but since becoming a teacher and a grown up it has become worse.  In the process of growing up I have then had hit after hit with life changes and then finally my Dad's death.  Over the last few weeks I have felt that anxiety more and more in terms of not sleeping, IBS like problems with my stomach and generally not wanting to do things.  Sometimes I will sit in the car for a few minutes when I get somewhere to psych myself up in a way.

Anxiety is part of me but I know there are better ways to cope with it.  Currently I use control and keeping busy with things to cope but these are both mentally and physically exhausting.  I am on medication as of this week and going through process to get more counselling or CBT to help me cope better with life.  I also want to pursue mindfulness and meditation on my own as well to help with my worry and negative thoughts at times.  I know I need this as though I am better at the minute I still feel fragile and worry if something else hits then I will be back where I was nearly a year ago.

The best thing:  I finally feel like me again for the time being.  The mist has been lifted and I can feel my life is in some order at the minute.

It's a dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good

My blog is positivity.  My blog is me and I am feeling good.

This is a classic song but it just sums up how I am feeling after the last week.  I am also using the song for a dance routine so it is going round and round in my head and the more it does the more it sums up how I feel at the minute.  The silver lining for many decisions that went against me in last few months is starting to show.  

It's a new dawn. it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good.

New job

I recently finally got a full time, permanent job working as a special needs teacher in a school for students with high functioning autism.  I cannot wait to start but have to wait for my criminal check first which is a bit of a pain but means I can just carry on with supply for now.  I have worked so hard to get this job and been so patient.  In many ways I am glad I did not get the job I was covering at my other school as it has become an OFSTED bubble in some ways at the minute.  This term only working 3 days a week supply has meant I can focus on me and get myself better.  I cannot wait for a fresh start and challenge at this school.

New house

Since coming back I have been living with mum and her boyfriend.  It is a toxic living situation is the only way to describe it as it makes me so miserable as the boyfriend lacks any sense of courtesy, communication or humour.  So since I have a new job coming I decided to move out now rather then wait for my friend to move out with.  She may join me once she has a new job.  This has made me so happy.  I have a space to cook, to work, to have friends over and most importantly to call my own.  It is only rented but I do not care.  I am going to move in with the basics and go from there as we have several second hand furniture stores round here.  I also want to get crafty and make things - been watching Kirsten's vintage home to get ideas.  Though if anyone has a corner sofa they would like to donate I would be most welcome.

Getting dancing, getting healthy

I had severe pneumonia in November and still I am not 100% but I am getting there.  I am back dancing and loving it.  It is such a release to express yourself creatively through movement.  I have also restarted pole dancing and back up to nearly full strength and starting to prepare for the show in June.  I am doing a solo to feeling good in it so got to start preparing that.

New summer plans

Now I am getting paid over the Summer I can start making plans.  I have ended up being an assistant leader on a guiding trip to take 4 girls on a route we plan through 3 countries in Europe.  They have done a lot of the fund raising and I met them today.  Plan at the minute is Paris, Barcelona, Madrid, Lisbon to them fly home and meet all the other teams in Birmingham for the presentation.  

I feel like life has moved round a massive corner and that it has actually felt like the light can be seen.  I have had a problem with drinking any alcohol in the last few months as it just makes me feel miserable but on Friday night I managed to have 3 ciders and have a really good night out with a friend.  

I am still single but I have so many friends to support me.  Recently I have shared my blog with more friends and they have all been really positive about it so it keeps motivating me to write.  I know I have people I can rely on and trust.  

So a man would be the icing on the cake but for now let's keep having some fun. 

My life at the moment

I know it has been a while since I posted last and I have got new blog posts in the pipeline but instead thought I would update you on some current developments in my life.  These are mainly positive really keeping in the spirit of onwards and upwards.

1. New job

Since coming back from travelling I have been working as a supply teacher.  This has its pros and cons.  The main pro is that I turn up to school do the job and go home. The con is that do not get paid for holidays, sickness or when there is no work about.  Luckily I had a full time cover from May to December in a special needs school being a class teacher.  This was great but when I did not get the full time post in the same class gutted was not enough to describe how I felt.  

I have been applying for a couple of jobs that have come up and finally got an interview which went really well and got the job.  It is working in a special needs school for high functioning autistic students aged 8 to 19 years.  I cannot wait.  It is going to be a massive challenge and sad leaving my current school but I am so excited.  Especially as means being paid through long summer holidays and can plan to do a holiday and some dance related things.  

2. Scotland holiday

Over half term I went to visit a couple of friends in Edinburgh and St Andrews.  Had some really nice days and spent most of the time sleeping, eating, shopping and catching up.  It got really cold by the end of the week but it was great to see people and not worry about work.

3. Wisdom teeth

I had my pre op assessment this week and my operation to have my wisdom teeth out is all scheduled and due to go ahead in a few weeks time.  I cannot wait to get them out as they are causing me so much pain at the minute.  I get frequent headaches and pain in my neck and ears.  

Please follow on my twitter as I am getting used to it more and do post things up more regularly.  Let me know if want me to talk about anything in particular or about my life.  I am more then just a person with depression or left without a Dad.  Will share about life in general again soon but keep a look out for new posts soon.