My birthday: The start of a new chapter

Today I have turned 27 years old and there is not just that to celebrate.  Just over 1 year ago I returned from travelling to a very turbulent and hard time in my life.  It has probably been the hardest time in my life and I have had some very low points in the last year.

However, instead of focusing on all that negative I choose to focus on the positive and I always try to do that with my blog.  Its has been hard to blog the last week or so having no internet and have used twitter a lot and will continue so follow me on there @adandelionmind.

I have so much to celebrate on this weekend and here is a little list:

1. I have moved into my own place 

2. I have started a new job teaching a difficult special needs class but starting to love my class

3. I have managed to overcome so much in the last year to show me I am a confident and strong lady

4. I had a chat with my sister and made a reconnection to build a more positive relationship

5. I have some amazing friends who love me dearly

6. I have met someone new who I feel really likes me and I like him

In all this weekend I feel like a very lucky girl.

This weekend - my birthday.

Due to having my new place I decided to have friends from all over to come and stay at mine.  Yesterday one of my friends from uni came over earlier and we did a little shopping and catching up.   Back at my house I baked my favourite muffins and then cooked Chilli Con Carne with rice and nachos for everyone.  I had 6 friends from different parts of my life: Uni, teaching and Guiding.  It was so lovely to have people over and enjoy spending time with them because they were there for me.

After dinner we got ready and got a taxi into Nottingham.  I love going out into Nottingham.  It has something for everyone, wear pretty much anything and do not have to walk far to get from one bar to the next.  The five bars we went into had music from current songs to blues to rock to 90's music to salsa.  We did not dance as much as what I wanted but it was great to be out and having an amazing time.  I was not even really worried about drinking of which I had a lot of cocktails last night. 

Today we got up and I cooked bacon and egg sandwiches for breakfast as such a good breakfast after being out.  Was not too hungover just tired really as had not gone to bed until 4am.  We went to a pub I really like that does some lovely food and was my choice for my birthday lunch.  My mum has popped round after my friends left and was pretty flat and I am trying to not get upset by her lack of love shown through emotion.  She shows her love through money which I really hate but that is the way she is.

I have felt very lucky with my friends being here as they were all here for me.  I feel valued and worthy of having people that care for me.  I had such fun with them and felt like this is the start of something new and so exciting.  My friends are my family because as a family we are not close and I do not open up to my mum.  The ups and downs of last year seem to be disappearing.  The worry of going back to being so ill and depressed is even going.  I do not worry half as much as I used to.  Having my own place I no longer live in fear.  I know I still have anxiety issues and I am still taking medication for that but I feel like I have made a huge jump in the last two weeks.

So here is a drink for me (a lovely handmade cosmo in my favourite cocktail bar). To an amazing birthday, best friends I could have and the start of hopefully a much better year. 

   

Hen do: My worst nightmare?

Last weekend was one of my close friends from university's hen do.  Now I was excited to go as not seen the Hen or another close friend for over 2 and half a years.  Plus I needed a weekend away from home but why consider it my worst nightmare?  Because it was full of things that push every anxiety I have at the minute all combined into one weekend.

My anxieties/problems:

• Big group of people
• People I did not know and they did not know my background
• Alcohol and pressure to drink 
• Being round loud drunk people
• Fancy dress and feeling stupid 
• Insomnia and not sleeping 
• IBS like symptoms due to stress 

Alcohol is one major anxiety I have around new people.  I knew it would not be a massive 'thing' as the Hen does not drink but I still find it hard.  I have a very fine line between happy drunk and miserable drunk which was one place I did not want to be on my friends hen do.  Explaining why I do not drink without going into for people I did not know was hard and some people still didn't understand how you can go out and have a good time without drinking.  When we were having a night in and doing PJ party or murder mystery I was alright drinking then as I felt safe.  I was in control of the situation and people would not really notice if you were drinking wine or shloer.   

I find fancy dress really stressful because I hate to look stupid, feel stupid or take the mick out of myself.  I think it is down to me wanting to control situations.  However I felt like I wanted to join in with my friends and have a good night.  In the end by the time we got out and were dancing in the bars I had a good night and really enjoyed being out but it is still not something I will do happily.

At times I felt ok but my stomach did not agree and I had some major IBS like symptoms with cramping and just generally not feeling like eating much.  I think it is down to stress and worrying.  I have given up caffeine and bread to an extent which has helped a lot.  I am hoping that once I move out I will have more control over my diet and it will improve some more.  

How did I feel at the end of it?  Exhausted but I had an amazing weekend.  It did feel like I had survived something but all in all it had been a successful weekend.  I have more confidence in working with my anxieties.   

Seeing my friends again reminded me how I have people that love me and enjoy spending time with me.  I had not seen my friends for nearly 2 and half years plus it is hard for us to even catch up on the phone because we all live busy lives a few hours apart.  I know they should not be excuses but it is just how life goes but this weekend showed me no matter what these 2 girls will always be there for me and look after me.  Now I am looking forward to seeing everyone again at the wedding!

Hen do: My worst nightmare?  Not really when you have amazing friends xx

Out of the darkness and into the light it seems

After the positive post I wrote the other day I have a follow up to it as I have felt that in the last week I have made massive steps forward in so many ways.   

It feels the mist that descended when I came home nearly a year ago is finally lifting and I can see things much clearer.  Having things to look forward to like my new job, house and having amazing friends has lifted so much weight of my shoulders.  I have been having grief counselling as I know that was the first thing I needed to work on to be able to then tackle myself underneath.

Grief

It is a difficult thing to focus on.  To deal with, to live with.

I have cried more in the last few weeks then when my dad actually died.  I locked myself away when he died so that I could leave and go travelling like I had planned.  I needed physical and mental space to even start dealing with things that had happened over the last few years.

I have been having grief counselling and it has really helped as a place to talk about life now because of my Dad's death and remembering my Dad.  My Dad had such a sense of humour and fun and welcoming to everyone.  I miss so many things about him but do not wish him any day.  I get sad about the fact he will never be at my wedding to embarrass me to high heaven in his father of the brides speech.  However I do try to remember all the happy times and the opportunities he gave me.

It was always be there though that loss, that sadness.  

It is not selfish as my mum called him in an argument we had the other day.  The last thing I think is that he was selfish.  He was ill, very ill and I wish she had been more honest about the care he needed and when.  She says I just brush her away and I feel I can never talk to her about my Dad.  When I move into my new house I want to find some things or his and put some pictures up because I want to remember those happy times we had together.

Friends

I have some amazing friends.  Often it is not quantity of time known or spent together but quality of friendship.  I have been able to share with many more people about how I feel and to support me rather then just relying on one person like I was.  One person was there for me when my Dad died and I felt I could understand.  Eventually when I came home from travelling this was too much for one person to cope with my down days.  Now I have friends that I share my low feeling around with, I am more honest to not just them but myself as well.  That person who was there from the beginning of this is still there and I spent a lot of Sunday talking to him after quite a bad day on the Sunday.

Next steps

Through this process recently I feel that I can address myself with the next priority which really is not depression as much but my anxiety problems.  I have always been a worrier and started having panic attacks in 2006 but since becoming a teacher and a grown up it has become worse.  In the process of growing up I have then had hit after hit with life changes and then finally my Dad's death.  Over the last few weeks I have felt that anxiety more and more in terms of not sleeping, IBS like problems with my stomach and generally not wanting to do things.  Sometimes I will sit in the car for a few minutes when I get somewhere to psych myself up in a way.

Anxiety is part of me but I know there are better ways to cope with it.  Currently I use control and keeping busy with things to cope but these are both mentally and physically exhausting.  I am on medication as of this week and going through process to get more counselling or CBT to help me cope better with life.  I also want to pursue mindfulness and meditation on my own as well to help with my worry and negative thoughts at times.  I know I need this as though I am better at the minute I still feel fragile and worry if something else hits then I will be back where I was nearly a year ago.

The best thing:  I finally feel like me again for the time being.  The mist has been lifted and I can feel my life is in some order at the minute.

It's a dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good

My blog is positivity.  My blog is me and I am feeling good.

This is a classic song but it just sums up how I am feeling after the last week.  I am also using the song for a dance routine so it is going round and round in my head and the more it does the more it sums up how I feel at the minute.  The silver lining for many decisions that went against me in last few months is starting to show.  

It's a new dawn. it's a new day, it's a new life and I'm feeling good.

New job

I recently finally got a full time, permanent job working as a special needs teacher in a school for students with high functioning autism.  I cannot wait to start but have to wait for my criminal check first which is a bit of a pain but means I can just carry on with supply for now.  I have worked so hard to get this job and been so patient.  In many ways I am glad I did not get the job I was covering at my other school as it has become an OFSTED bubble in some ways at the minute.  This term only working 3 days a week supply has meant I can focus on me and get myself better.  I cannot wait for a fresh start and challenge at this school.

New house

Since coming back I have been living with mum and her boyfriend.  It is a toxic living situation is the only way to describe it as it makes me so miserable as the boyfriend lacks any sense of courtesy, communication or humour.  So since I have a new job coming I decided to move out now rather then wait for my friend to move out with.  She may join me once she has a new job.  This has made me so happy.  I have a space to cook, to work, to have friends over and most importantly to call my own.  It is only rented but I do not care.  I am going to move in with the basics and go from there as we have several second hand furniture stores round here.  I also want to get crafty and make things - been watching Kirsten's vintage home to get ideas.  Though if anyone has a corner sofa they would like to donate I would be most welcome.

Getting dancing, getting healthy

I had severe pneumonia in November and still I am not 100% but I am getting there.  I am back dancing and loving it.  It is such a release to express yourself creatively through movement.  I have also restarted pole dancing and back up to nearly full strength and starting to prepare for the show in June.  I am doing a solo to feeling good in it so got to start preparing that.

New summer plans

Now I am getting paid over the Summer I can start making plans.  I have ended up being an assistant leader on a guiding trip to take 4 girls on a route we plan through 3 countries in Europe.  They have done a lot of the fund raising and I met them today.  Plan at the minute is Paris, Barcelona, Madrid, Lisbon to them fly home and meet all the other teams in Birmingham for the presentation.  

I feel like life has moved round a massive corner and that it has actually felt like the light can be seen.  I have had a problem with drinking any alcohol in the last few months as it just makes me feel miserable but on Friday night I managed to have 3 ciders and have a really good night out with a friend.  

I am still single but I have so many friends to support me.  Recently I have shared my blog with more friends and they have all been really positive about it so it keeps motivating me to write.  I know I have people I can rely on and trust.  

So a man would be the icing on the cake but for now let's keep having some fun. 

The mountains of South America and finding peace

This time last year I was sat in a little hostel in El Chalten, South Argentina going walking for the day and then watching my first ever Superbowl final with Americans in the hostel.  

Sunset on my first night in El Chalten. 

View of Fitz Roy after a long but amazing trek. 

This post is about when I went travelling the way walking in the mountains of South America helped me to find a little bit of peace and a place to grieve.

My Dad always encouraged me to follow my dreams and the part he most wanted to see in my trip was South America.  South America made the list for me as I wanted to be in Rio de Jenerio for Carnival but also to walk and trek in the mountains.  Me and my Dad never set firm plans for him to come out and travel with me.  In fact not much of the section in South America leg of my travels was set in stone until the last minute.  However it was the only section of the trip my dad was interested in joining up with me to do but then never got to do.  

Many times in South America I felt his absence especially because I was doing a lot of walking and trekking, something my Dad loved to do.  My Dad died 3 months before I left the UK and I left even though I was still in pain from that because I know my Dad would not have wanted me to cancel or delay my trip I had worked hard for.  However once South America came it was a lot harder then I was expecting to deal with some of that pain.

The mountains became my spiritual place.  A place to remember, to think and to reflect.

The Incas believed that to be at the top of a mountain was to be close to the Gods.  To be able to please the Gods they left children as sacrifices at astonishing heights which have survived in one piece and can be seen at different museums in South America.  Of course this is all speculative, a very simplistic explanation and many would have various different opinions and arguments about what the Incas believed.  I am not a religious person and have not been for a long time but the mountains became another place for me.  Being in these places at heights of up to 4000 metres was a very moving experience and spiritual place to be.  A place to be at peace, a place to remember my Dad.  I hardly spoke to anyone about the pain I was carrying apart from a select few but the mountains I did not have to say anything.    

The picture is me climbing Villarrica Volcano in Pucon, Chile.  It is the highest point I got to as I was struggling due to still being ill and my guide turned me and a couple of other walkers around.  Before this picture I stopped for a rest stop with others and I just sat and cried.  I had found the climb a lot harder, I do not really like walking up its the hardest part for me but I found it mentally tough.  One of the other climbers, not even from my group asked if I was ok and I replied something along the lines of yes but also missing my Dad because he died just over a year ago.  The man was probably old enough to be my dad heard my story and truthfully replied that he was sorry for my loss and that I made him cry himself.

Pucon was the first place I told somebody fully and truthfully what had happened to my Dad and the pain I was carrying deep inside me.  It set the story for my South American adventure meeting people weeks later or friends of friends from that hostel in Pucon.  Meeting some very good people made my trip in South America.  

This photo was taken on the second day of my trek in the Lares Valley in Peru near Cusco. We had slept at 3,800 metres above sea level and climbed up to just over 4,000 metres and over the top of a ridge.  That climb that morning was tough.  I usually do not like walking with my ipod on but that day I needed something to get me up the mountain and Queen was the choice that day.  The relief and achievement of getting there and the view the other side was amazing.  I know my Dad would have loved to be there and would have been very proud.

The mountains and walking are a place to challenge yourself, to push your limits both mentally and physically.

A place to remember and relfect.  To be away from everything.