2013: A moment of reflection

So as is normal when a year finishes and a new one starts we take a valuable moment to stand back and reflect on how the year was.  Really we should take the opportunity more in our lives to do this but seeing as I want to restart writing my blog I take this opportunity to reflect on what 2013 meant to me.

Overall 2013 meant the year of getting better physically and mentally.

I started the year still ill from pneumonia and this took a good 6 months to get fully better from this awful illness.  I believe now that I had a cold and my body was under so much mental stress that my body tried to fight it and then gave up resulting in a massive illness, 5 days in hospital and a lot of recovery.  If it taught me something is that our health is so important both physical and mentally.

In February I finally got some grief counselling and started to deal with the death of my Dad this lifted my depression to expose my real problem of anxiety.  After this my Doctor finally diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder and I started taking anti depressants in March.  I do not feel ashamed of this because it allows me to live a functional. normal life and if you had a heart condition you would take medicine for it so why not mental health conditions?

I had my wisdom teeth out in March which was a sigh of relief and though a lot of anxiety was around it was so good to get the bastards out at the same time!

In March I got a full time teaching position at a school with children with high functioning Autism and challenging behaviour.  It has not been an easy ride the kids are challenging and the company I work for is too with a lot of frustration in the workplace.  However I love the job I do despite the risks and challenges.  I need to believe in myself more and with more self confidence I know my anxiety at work could be better.  I do not have anxiety because of my job and I don't want to be labelled as one of those teachers but I finally told my boss in September about my dad and my anxiety.

Getting a full time job also meant I could move out of the situation with my mum and her awful boyfriend.  I have my own house that I rent which is a safe place and has given me space and time to relax.  It is a challenge to afford it on my own but at the minute unless I knew the person well I wouldn't want to share.

Starting a new job also means new friends and those I have made have been amazing.  One lady G has helped with my sister's baby shower, took me in for Christmas day and all sorts of other things.  New and old friends have been a vital support for me and they are my family.

I also said goodbye to some friendships including the my ex boyfriend whose friendship I valued as he helped me through my Dad's death.  After blaming me for him cheating and that I don't try to help myself I knew I had to walk away.  I also dated someone new for the first time and told the guy about my anxiety within 2 weeks of meeting.  He decided after 6 weeks we were not compatible as a couple, I think he didn't want a relationship, but it has given me confidence to be me with someone.  I still feel I have too much baggage and too much for someone to cope with.

It is hard to sum up 2013 in one blog but these are the main points.  Of course there have been high and lows, holidays and many other amazing moments.  I end 2013 much happier and feeling better.  I have some very good friendships and support network.  I have goals and ambitions again and starting to feel like me again.  I know where I am at and I know where I want to be hopefully being positive is the start of 2014.

3 years on and still missing Dad

Today it has been 3 years since my dad died.  

I miss him so, so much and wish he was still here in so many ways.  

The last time I saw my dad was Friday 1st October 2010.  I had gone to his house to grab a pair of shoes I had left and needed for a night out.  As usual I got the drive carefully from him and I was in a bad mood so didn't really say much back.  I wish I had said more or maybe just a little nicer on that last day.

They are not sure when he died as last time he was heard from was the Friday but he was not found until the Saturday.  He died from suicide as my dad was very ill with depression.  I have spoken about my own feelings about this many times and I am not angry but I do miss him.

I miss the fact he was so proud of me and my sister.  She is pregnant at the minute and he would be so happy to be a grandpa.  I miss the fact he cannot see what I am doing now and be there to tell me I am doing a good job as I don't hear it from mum.

I bought some sunflowers and I am not going to put them by a grave but enjoy them being in my house and seeing them.    

So this may be short and sweet but it is just a small message to my dad to say thank you for all you did and miss you so much.

Suicide: its not as simple of its seems

Everytime there is a suicide reported in the press all I can think of is how simple they make it sound when suicide is such a complex thing and very much misunderstood.  I have wanted to start writing post about this for a long time but its such a complex one its taken until now to start.

On a basic level suicide is the act of killing yourself.  I do not say commit suicide and I wish many other people didn't as it suggests the criminal past which is no good for families left behind or those who have attempted.  Language is one of the biggest reasons why suicide is hard to talk about and understand.  I am not a survivor of suicide nor did my dad battle depression.  Battle suggests that he failed in defeating it and did not try hard enough.  Anyway language around this could take another post. 

From the day my Dad died I said at least he is at peace as he was in so much pain and was so ill.  It was not until I read this article about someone who lost their best friend to suicide that I could put this into words.

Suicide is not a wish to die but an inability to continue living. 

Some people say it is a cowardly and selfish thing to do.  How could someone want to leave their partner behind? Children? Friends and family?  Do they know how much they will hurt people they leave behind?  The people who say these things don't know of the anguish that leads for someone to think of ending their own life.

My dad probably knew how much it would hurt us for him to leave us but at the same time he thought he was a burden on everyone.  That he was not worth everyone's attention and that we would be better off without him.  There were many reasons for him finally taking his own life its not a simple, straightforward answer.  He loved me I know that and he was so proud of everything me and my sister did.  He was very much a loving person that enjoyed life.   

Do I wish I could have done more for my dad in the 6 months leading up to his death?  Yes I do all the time.  I wish at the minute I could have known about services that may have helped me to help him or even intervened.  However the crisis team were involved just a few months before his death and that changed nothing.  My dad's dad did the same thing, similar age and similar time of year but I doubt my Dad would have told doctors that information. Me and my sister did not know that our Grandpa died through suicide until a few years ago when we asked our aunt how he had died as he died before we were both born. 

I want to prevent other families going through the same thing and that the suicide is too high especially in men and younger people.  But on the other hand I want to be able to say that my Dad died from suicide to people without that pity and look of how can you come to peace with that.  To loose that stigma surrounds someone grieving from a loss through suicide.  If my Dad had died through a road crash or cancer or heart attack I think my responses from friends and others would be very different. 

This is only a short post for now but I want to write more about my own experiences and about suicide. 

Happy Father's Day

Dear Dad,

Happy Father's Day where ever you may be.  It has been over 2 and half years since I last saw you.  Much has happened in that time good and bad but not a day goes by when I do not think about you.  It seems just like yesterday the last day I saw as well as a life time ago.

I want you to know I have never been angry at you for your decision.  I saw the pain you were in and how hurt you were, that nobody could you help you.  From the minute it happened I have always felt comforted by the fact you are at peace now.  Suicide is not the choice to die but inability to live anymore.  

You meant everything to me and the life I have now is down to you.  Your hard work, love and support has made me the person I am today.  You came from nothing and fought your whole life to make a better life for yourself and your children.  I have taught many children who either do not have a dad or have a very bad home life and it makes me appreciate how vital you were in my childhood even if you think you were never there for me.  Mum was horrible to say you were a bad father that Christmas day because she has no right to judge and to me you were an amazing dad.

The other week I performed for the first time in a long time with my pole dance studio.  I know not the most usual thing I have started doing but it has been amazing.  When I finished my routine and at the break I just wanted to cry because I wanted you to see my performance.  You have been to many performances over the years of me dancing or performing.  I know you did not always understand it but you came and that is what mattered to me.  

I miss you sense of humour and spirit for life.  On April fools day you trying to wind me up about something or other to get me to laugh but usually I just got mad.  The jokes we had and your ability to always joke about or mess about like we did in the photos for my graduation.  The way you would tell us stories or eat fish eyes in front of us to make us laugh.  

One of the biggest things I will miss is if I ever get married the father of the bride speech you would have done to embarrass me as much as possible.  I have thought from a young age what you would say and I find it hard that you will never be able to do that.  Maybe I will stand up and say it for you.  

Favourite sayings bring back memories of you:
There is no such thing as bad weather just the wrong clothes.
Night night don't let the bed bugs bite
I am just going outside I may be some time - Lawrence Oates from Antarctic expeditions 

I wish you could see everything I have accomplished in the time since you died and that you would be proud of me.  Travelling was an amazing experience and I wish we could have trekked the trails together in Peru and Bolivia.  The mountains are a beautiful place to be and where I remembered you so much.  I wish you could have been the one to come to my Queen's Guide presentation in London like I had promised all those years ago.  You would have been so proud to stand there and see me receive my award. 

I am a special needs teacher now.  It has been hard work and still is because I have to teach all the subjects but I know you would be happy for me and proud of what I have done.  I know you always joked about me being a quantity surveyor but you knew that it would not make me happy and you supported me in whatever did make me happy.     

I have so many good memories of you that live inside of me and I try to hold onto those.  You have made me the woman I am today and I thank you for so much for that.  You live through me in so many ways.  I work hard to get what I want, like to be alone sometimes and have such a sense of adventure.  I wish I could have helped you more but I know that you were so ill and things were just so black for you.

Love you more every day Dad.

Nicola

xxxx

Graduation Day                                                                                 Trip to Northern Ireland

Weddings and my dislike and grief

I have a wedding on Saturday of a close friend from university.  Am I looking forward to it? Yes and no.  Yes because I will get to see many friends who live far away and celebrate a lovely day for a lovely couple.  But really I hate weddings and the day holds all sense of dread for me.  So instead of just bottling it up tonight I am going to use it to write instead.  

Many girls dream of their big day.  Their one special day where everybody is there for you and your marriage to wish you well.  To walk down the aisle to Prince Charming in a big white dress looking for the happily every after.

To me this is all a load of rubbish.

I think a lot of how I feel stems from my family situation and my cynical nature of marriage after my own parents separation after 25 years together for reasons my mother, who was the one that walked away, never has explained at all.  I know she was unhappy but nothing more then that is known to me or my sister.  After my relationships have ended I have always thought is quality of time better then quantity of time together?  Do we need different people for different stages of life for different needs?

I have never seen myself with that perfect day because my wider family is so split up and people do not speak to others.  I never saw myself having a wedding at home I would rather have eloped and not dealt with the family arguments of 30 odd years old.  

My feelings about the actual wedding day revolve a lot around the loss of my dad.  When thinking about a wedding day the only thing I have ever thought about is the speech my Dad would do to embarrass me as much as possible with at the same time being the proudest man there.  I saw on key moments of my life like my graduation how proud my Dad was and there is not really another occasion where your Dad stands up and speaks to people about you.  To me getting married without my Dad just seems impossible to not have him there as I never envisaged him not being there.

The week of my Dad's funeral I attend my best friend from university's wedding as Maid of Honour.  Looking back it was probably a step too far at the time but I was determined to not miss the wedding.  I had got through the funeral without a single tear yet just walking down the aisle behind her I had to hold back the flow.  When it came to her Dad's speech I just could not hold on to the sadness of not having my Dad.  Since then I have been to a few weddings as a guest and working as a waitress and it still gets me every time of being there and having your Dad there.  It is one part of the wedding coming this weekend that I wish to just go and it somewhere and not have to face.

My other issue is how I then deal with coping with these feelings.  One is drinking alcohol and it is never a good place for me really but there is that expectation at a wedding.  Through in a whole room of strangers that makes me anxious as well and its a recipe of hell for me.  Then there is also the issue of; what to wear? what shoes do I wear? Do I look fat in this? Am I too dressed up or not dressed up enough? It just makes everything that little bit harder. 

I do not see myself getting married as I could not make that promise to love some and stay with them until death us do part.  There is not an occasion that celebrates us not making that choice.  That single life can be just as much a choice as being married.  It comes down the expectation of society.  I do not see myself getting married or having children but that is a different post yet to be written. 

Will leave you with a photo of me being Maid of Honour for my best friend in October 2010 and will promise to post pictures from the wedding and an update next week.