Suicide: its not as simple of its seems

Everytime there is a suicide reported in the press all I can think of is how simple they make it sound when suicide is such a complex thing and very much misunderstood.  I have wanted to start writing post about this for a long time but its such a complex one its taken until now to start.

On a basic level suicide is the act of killing yourself.  I do not say commit suicide and I wish many other people didn't as it suggests the criminal past which is no good for families left behind or those who have attempted.  Language is one of the biggest reasons why suicide is hard to talk about and understand.  I am not a survivor of suicide nor did my dad battle depression.  Battle suggests that he failed in defeating it and did not try hard enough.  Anyway language around this could take another post. 

From the day my Dad died I said at least he is at peace as he was in so much pain and was so ill.  It was not until I read this article about someone who lost their best friend to suicide that I could put this into words.

Suicide is not a wish to die but an inability to continue living. 

Some people say it is a cowardly and selfish thing to do.  How could someone want to leave their partner behind? Children? Friends and family?  Do they know how much they will hurt people they leave behind?  The people who say these things don't know of the anguish that leads for someone to think of ending their own life.

My dad probably knew how much it would hurt us for him to leave us but at the same time he thought he was a burden on everyone.  That he was not worth everyone's attention and that we would be better off without him.  There were many reasons for him finally taking his own life its not a simple, straightforward answer.  He loved me I know that and he was so proud of everything me and my sister did.  He was very much a loving person that enjoyed life.   

Do I wish I could have done more for my dad in the 6 months leading up to his death?  Yes I do all the time.  I wish at the minute I could have known about services that may have helped me to help him or even intervened.  However the crisis team were involved just a few months before his death and that changed nothing.  My dad's dad did the same thing, similar age and similar time of year but I doubt my Dad would have told doctors that information. Me and my sister did not know that our Grandpa died through suicide until a few years ago when we asked our aunt how he had died as he died before we were both born. 

I want to prevent other families going through the same thing and that the suicide is too high especially in men and younger people.  But on the other hand I want to be able to say that my Dad died from suicide to people without that pity and look of how can you come to peace with that.  To loose that stigma surrounds someone grieving from a loss through suicide.  If my Dad had died through a road crash or cancer or heart attack I think my responses from friends and others would be very different. 

This is only a short post for now but I want to write more about my own experiences and about suicide. 

New travels, Girlguiding and an update

Right first of all an apology that I have abandoned writing in the last couple of months.  Things have been a bit mad at school with my autistic class.  I love them to bits but they are very challenging and getting to the end of term I was not very well and just generally tired.

So as an apology my post is going to be about my most recent travels with a trip to Europe.  

I am a member of Girlguiding and have been a Rainbow and Guide leader in the past.  If you have no idea what I am on about visit the website for more information.  When I came back from travelling I moved to a new area so didn't have a group and I still do not.  I applied for selection for another trip but did not get it but was quite glad as I was then very ill.  But like always there is a silver lining to everything.  I got an email about a group that needed an assistant leader for a group that were doing a challenge called Jailbreak.  Jailbreak essentially is a challenge to travel across Europe, visiting at least 3 countries and completing other challenges to be back in the UK 8 days later.  14 teams of 6 - 8 members aged 14 to 26 year old women competed in it this year.  However if the group was under 18 it needed 2 leaders to be responsible so that is where I come in.

I had an amazing time.  The itinerary was as follows:

27th July: Flew from Liverpool to Barcelona

2 nights in Barcelona

Train from Barcelona to Madrid.  Just the afternoon in Madrid

Overnight train from Madrid to Lisbon

2 nights in Lisbon staying in an amazing apartment

Flew from Lisbon to Paris 

2 nights in Paris

Then flew back to Birmingham on 3rd August.

I did not know the group I went with until I met them in February and they were amazing.  The girls aged 15 to 18 years old did not argue or fall out or cause any stress.  They were such a pleasure to be with even though one had never flown or been abroad until then.  It was the first time I had taken girls away and it was such an incredible experience.

My anxiety was a lot less and I think that is the reason that returning home last year was such a hard time.  I have had problems with my stomach mainly as I have eaten a lot and not really watched what I have eaten.  Plus I did not take my vitamins and probiotics so think that might have made a difference.

Anyway here are a selection of photos to show you.  Hopefully as it is summer holidays I can blog a bit more frequently!

Medication only part of the solution not the answer

About 4 months ago my doctor finally agreed to put me on medication for my anxiety level as it was just unbearable and stopping my every day life.  I have a love/hate relationship with the medication and recently moaned a lot about it to friends and people on twitter so I thought I would explain more about my thoughts and feelings and how being on medication makes me feel and what I have learnt.  

Last year I had a very depressive episode and when I finally got some grief counselling it lifted and exposed underneath the anxiety that has been building up really over the last 4 or 5 years.  I think reflecting back on my childhood I have always been an anxious person but always hidden it well which causes more anxiety.  Once I had done the grief counselling and gone back to my doctor I finally persuaded her to let me try some medication for it.  She prescribed my citlopram and started on a 10mg per day routine.

Now I got quite a lot of negative reaction from some friends.  Many were like are you sure you need to be on medication?  Are you sure it is the right idea and what about the side effects?  I hide my anxiety on a day to day basis and even though these friends knew I had had a hard time they still don't see all those worries that go round in my head.  I explained that at that time I was very anxious and that it effects my sleep, my eating, my speech and was giving me IBS through stress and worry.  Most once I explained this could see why maybe medication was a positive thing.

I have always known that medication is not the long term answer.  I had counselling when my parents split up and again round my Dad's death and I know it is a positive step for me.  Also I very much like talking things through and have also done some cognitive behaviour therapy programmes online.  I know that I need to do some of this therapy work rather then just rely on medication.  However getting these talking therapies on the NHS is a battle and a struggle.

I was asked to self refer myself back to the service I had tried to access last year.  Now asking someone who has anxiety disorder to self refer is really not the way to go about it.  Therefore I still have not done because I hate hate hate talking on the phone.  Also when I did this self referal last year I had to do a telephone appointment and through a very stressful process had no outcome.  They basically said we don't provide grief counselling and so I worry that there is no point to putting myself through this process again.  However my doctor is trying to see if I can access the counselling service at the surgery and if I can do that in evenings or on a Saturday.  I teach special needs and missing a morning or afternoon of every week would create so much more stress then it solves because the nature of my students.

Now all medication comes with side effects and I accept this.  I am quite happy to take medication if it is going to help me.  I think the benefits of taking citlopram is worth it because it means I can carry on with my normal life whilst waiting for another solution to help.  However I do not like taking it as I never know if how I feel is a side effect or just life.

A prime example of this is dreaming.  Now I have always been a dreamer; I can remember dreams from my childhood and still see them vividly.  However recently I have had so many dreams which I remember and unsettle me in the morning.  They are not good or bad dreams as such but they usually reflect something true to life and me.  They just put me in a weird mood for the day especially if I remember them for a while.  This recent dreaming could just be me but it could also be the medication.  

Other side effects include itchy skin but compared to the horrendous bed bug bites I got travelling it is a mild annoyance.  I also have at times insomnia and fatigue both of which could be life or medication.  One that I am very unsure of is the way I can feel very paranoid usually about friends and do they care for me and other feelings around trust.  

I am back at the doctor next week to discuss medication because of this paranoia and a few other things I have been feeling.  She possibly may put my dose up for now and hopefully she has had an answer back about counselling during out of hours.  

I know medication is only part of the solution and I need to seek help to use talking therapies and self care to find the bigger answer.  

Happy Father's Day

Dear Dad,

Happy Father's Day where ever you may be.  It has been over 2 and half years since I last saw you.  Much has happened in that time good and bad but not a day goes by when I do not think about you.  It seems just like yesterday the last day I saw as well as a life time ago.

I want you to know I have never been angry at you for your decision.  I saw the pain you were in and how hurt you were, that nobody could you help you.  From the minute it happened I have always felt comforted by the fact you are at peace now.  Suicide is not the choice to die but inability to live anymore.  

You meant everything to me and the life I have now is down to you.  Your hard work, love and support has made me the person I am today.  You came from nothing and fought your whole life to make a better life for yourself and your children.  I have taught many children who either do not have a dad or have a very bad home life and it makes me appreciate how vital you were in my childhood even if you think you were never there for me.  Mum was horrible to say you were a bad father that Christmas day because she has no right to judge and to me you were an amazing dad.

The other week I performed for the first time in a long time with my pole dance studio.  I know not the most usual thing I have started doing but it has been amazing.  When I finished my routine and at the break I just wanted to cry because I wanted you to see my performance.  You have been to many performances over the years of me dancing or performing.  I know you did not always understand it but you came and that is what mattered to me.  

I miss you sense of humour and spirit for life.  On April fools day you trying to wind me up about something or other to get me to laugh but usually I just got mad.  The jokes we had and your ability to always joke about or mess about like we did in the photos for my graduation.  The way you would tell us stories or eat fish eyes in front of us to make us laugh.  

One of the biggest things I will miss is if I ever get married the father of the bride speech you would have done to embarrass me as much as possible.  I have thought from a young age what you would say and I find it hard that you will never be able to do that.  Maybe I will stand up and say it for you.  

Favourite sayings bring back memories of you:
There is no such thing as bad weather just the wrong clothes.
Night night don't let the bed bugs bite
I am just going outside I may be some time - Lawrence Oates from Antarctic expeditions 

I wish you could see everything I have accomplished in the time since you died and that you would be proud of me.  Travelling was an amazing experience and I wish we could have trekked the trails together in Peru and Bolivia.  The mountains are a beautiful place to be and where I remembered you so much.  I wish you could have been the one to come to my Queen's Guide presentation in London like I had promised all those years ago.  You would have been so proud to stand there and see me receive my award. 

I am a special needs teacher now.  It has been hard work and still is because I have to teach all the subjects but I know you would be happy for me and proud of what I have done.  I know you always joked about me being a quantity surveyor but you knew that it would not make me happy and you supported me in whatever did make me happy.     

I have so many good memories of you that live inside of me and I try to hold onto those.  You have made me the woman I am today and I thank you for so much for that.  You live through me in so many ways.  I work hard to get what I want, like to be alone sometimes and have such a sense of adventure.  I wish I could have helped you more but I know that you were so ill and things were just so black for you.

Love you more every day Dad.

Nicola

xxxx

Graduation Day                                                                                 Trip to Northern Ireland

My inner F1 geek

I love Formula 1.  

I was bought up on it rather then football or rugby.  I know it is a male dominated sport and fan base but scratch the surface and there are plenty of women involved.  I have been known to be around a friends house and get up at 7am to watch an early race.  When in Australia 2011 it was the Canadian race and I waited to watch it start at 2am.  I am a F1 geek. 

Now most of my female friends do not see the attraction or understand the sport more then it being about cars driving round a track.  Many might complain it is no longer about the driver and that it is more about having the best car.  Yes that is true but driving a F1 car is more then just having a fast car.  You need to understand the rules and the technical side of it.

My first grand prix to go to was the British for my 21st Birthday present in 2007.  I loved it the noise, the atmosphere is just incredible.  Yes it is different to watching it on the TV you do not get all the detail of the race but there is nothing like it.  I planned part of my travelling around going to the Malaysian race in 2011.  That was even more incredible because the tickets are cheap we had seats on the start/finish straight and the noise because of the track was even more incredible it sent tingles up your spine.  

Last year I went to the British again last year and was a very wet weekend but amazing none the less.  We had general admission tickets again and we some how managed to pick the spots on qualifying and race day where all the action was. 

An ex boyfriend also got me into Motogp and I do not follow it as closely but I still love it.  I went to the British race at Donnington and then again planned it so I was in Australia for the Phillip Island race in 2011.  It is more exciting at times because the bikes have added danger going side to side millimetres away from each other round the corners.  Moto 2 the lower series is even more exciting when I saw it in Australia.    

If I won the lottery I would love to spend a year just following the Formula 1 and Motogp around the world. I would love to see the race in Brazil as they are massive Forumla 1 fans and they know how to party!  

I will always support the Brits in the race but do have a soft spot for Webber and the under dogs of the lower teams.  It is great to see them win against the top dogs.  But do not mention Ferrari as we are definitely not fans in our house.  

Today is the Monaco race one of the most prestigious and one I would love to be at on a Yacht but for that I need some pennies!

So Formula 1 is one of my loves and passions and just a little bit of a F1 geek.  Will leave you with some photos.

British 2007 and meeting Johnny Herbet!

Malaysia 2011

 British 2012

Why I choose to learn pole dancing: No sleaze please

Since last July I have learnt to dance.  Pole dance to be specific.

Now for most people this conjures up the image of gentlemen clubs of women in barely anything writhing around to please the paying man.

Learning pole for fitness is a completely different kettle of fish.

I had tried pole dance a few years ago but due to finance and a teacher I did not really like I gave up thinking I was not strong enough or ever be able to do it.  When I came back from travelling I put on a lot of weight and wanted to get healthier.  I hate the gym I get bored easily and lose the willingness to go very quickly.  I love to dance I have dance in so many different styles since I was 4 years old.  I studied contemporary dance at university and love the way it makes me feel.

I started at this dance studio just doing the hula class which I did really enjoy and just caught the sight of some of the pole classes starting as I finished so I got the guts to try a beginner course at the same studio.  All the classes at this studio are open level so to help participate it is advised to have a beginner course first to get the basics.   I have been hooked ever since due to the challenge and feeling it gives me.

When I started I had barely any upper body strength at all.  Some of the girls could do the more strength dependant moves straight away but I have always been good at spins.  Even now I try to focus on what I can do and draw inspiration from the other girls as everyone is different and every person has a different body.  I stuck at it and slowly by keeping going I was able to start seeing progress.  The first time I climbed up to the top and then the next week get upside made me feel on top of the world.

Despite the rather unsightly bruises and sore muscles it gives I love that space for an hour each week to push myself to the max mentally and physically.  Pole is a lot about trusting your own body to do what you know it can do.  Yes it can be dangerous but so is life and a good teacher only teaches what she think you can do.  Build the skills and strength up slowly at your own pace.  I got bored of Zumba after a few weeks because I can dance already but pole dancing is just a challenge every week to get the new trick or move or to combine movements.

The realisation after a few weeks of working on something and finally getting it or even better finding it is getting easier is one of the best feelings.  Knowing that nearly a year ago I could not even climb up part way of the pole and now I can just climb to the top.

Another good point is the ladies in my studio.  There is such a mix in ages, sizes, background and ability that it makes such a community.  Due to the classes being drop in I often change about classes depending on the week and how I am feeling.  No matter what class I go to everyone is so friendly and encouraging and shares in your successes.  I may not see them outside of pole but it is great to feel welcomed and valued.

My next challenge is to do the pole dance studio's show 2 weeks on Friday.  I am doing a solo to 'Felling Good' by Muse.  Putting the routine together has not been too much of a challenge but getting through it requires stamina I never thought I had.  I cannot wait to perform it and show everyone how well I have done in a year and it lets me get back into performing which I miss so much from university.

The negative side though is the comments I get from some people and particularly men.  Do you know what I think though?  They are the ones made nervous by the fact women (and men if they choose to) can go and do a fitness class which is hard work and demanding like no other.  Just look through youtube at some of the amazing routines men and women can do.    Once you start you realise how easy people make it look.  One of my friends I showed the video too said that 'she didn't realise how graceful and gymnastic like it was'.

So I tend to my bruises with pride knowing how much strength, flexibility and confidence it needs to try and succeed in pole dance.  It is something I intend on doing for a very long time just never in a sleazy bar for a man.  It is for me and me alone!

I had a photoshoot the other week as part of the studio and will post a picture at some point if any good!


 

Just a sneak preview

I will be writing an update to my wedding post from earlier in the week as to how I found the weekend at my friend's wedding. I also have an article on the effect of exercise in the pipeline as well.

Sneak preview from the wedding yesterday.  Me feeling beautiful, strong, sophisticated woman of 27 years old.